“I am struggling with intrusive thoughts, doubt and anxiety in worship. Am I sinful? Any advice would he helpful, JzkAllah“
Answer:
First and foremost, I want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. What you are experiencing, intrusive thoughts, doubts, and anxiety in worship, is something many sincere believers have faced, including some of the sahabah.
1️⃣ You are NOT sinful, these thoughts do not make you a disbeliever.
I know these thoughts make you anxious and distressed, but they do not define you or your Iman. In fact, feeling upset by them is a sign of faith!
📖 The Sahabah once told the Prophet ﷺ:
“We have thoughts that are so terrible we would rather be burned than speak them.” The Prophet ﷺ replied, ‘Allahu Akbar! Praise be to Allah who has reduced shaytan’s influence to mere whispers!'”
(Sahih Muslim 132)
💙 This means shaytan whispers to believers to make them doubt themselves. But these thoughts are not yours, and Allah does not hold you accountable for them.
2️⃣ Creating these thoughts are shaytan’s trick, your job is not to engage with them, just learn to ignore them.
These thoughts only become stronger when you pay attention to them. Shaytan wants you to repeat wudu, repeat shahada, repeat salat until you feel so exhausted that you stop praying. DO NOT LET HIM WIN.
📖 The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Shaytan will come and say: ‘Who created this? Who created that?’ until he says, ‘Who created Allah?’ If this happens, let him seek refuge in Allah and STOP thinking about it.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 3276, Muslim 134)
✅ What to do:
– IGNORE the thoughts completely. Do NOT debate them in your head.
– Say: “A’udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim” (I seek refuge in Allah from shaytan).
– Distract yourself immediately, shift your focus to Qur’an, dhikr, or any other task.
➡️ Remember: The less you engage with the thoughts, the weaker they become.
You might be getting these thoughts even in Ramadan despite shaytan being locked away, this is normal as shaytan lays down his traps and gets us used to listening to these thoughts even without him being here.
3️⃣ STOP repeating shahada, wudu and salat
I know it feels like you have to redo everything because of doubt, but repeating wudu and salat is exactly what shaytan wants.
📖 The Prophet ﷺ said:
“If one of you feels doubt in his wudu, let him not leave (his prayer) unless he hears a sound or smells something.” (Sahih Muslim 362)
✅ What to do:
– Do wudu ONCE, even if you have doubts, move on.
– Pray ONCE and do not repeat salat at all.
– If thoughts come, keep praying and ignore them.
➡️ If you fight the urge to repeat, it will get easier, inshaAllah.
4️⃣ Make salat a place of comfort again
I know salat has become a source of anxiety, but it is supposed to be your place of peace. Take small steps to make it easier:
– Keep your prayers simple and try to focus on one posture at a time.
– Listen to soothing Qur’an before salat to get into a peaceful mindset.
– Take deep breaths before praying to relax your mind.
📖 Allah says:
“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humble.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:45)
5️⃣ Seek assistance through duas & ruqyah.
📖 Allah says:
“And if an evil whisper from Shaytan reaches you, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.” (Surah Al-A’raf 7:200)
– La ilaha illa Allah, wahdahu la sharika lahu, lahu al-mulku wa lahu al-hamdu, wa huwa ‘ala kulli shay’in qadeer.
➡️ These will help ease your heart and push away these intrusive thoughts.
6️⃣ Sometimes, waswasah(intrusive thoughts) can be linked to anxiety or OCD, which is a condition many people face. If these thoughts are making life extremely difficult, it might help to speak to one of our therapists. There is no shame in seeking help.
💙 You are NOT sinful. You are NOT a bad Muslim.
💙 Allah is Most Merciful, and He knows your struggle.
💙 You will NOT go to Hell for thoughts you didn’t bring into your mind.
📖 Allah says:
“Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins…”
(Surah Al-Zumar 39:53)
➡️ Keep going, my dear brother/sister. You are stronger than Shaytan, and Allah sees your effort. 🤍
🌸 May Allah grant you ease, comfort and a heart full of tranquillity. Ameen. 🤲
Real love is to love all things belonging to the beloved,
Regardless of how much one may have suffered.
One even loves the one whom the beloved loves,
The secret to yearning the love of The True Beloved is to love Him and whom He loves,
Gaining the love of Allah from the firm belief and good deeds he does.
The most noble of all creation is our beloved Nabi ﷺ who is the beloved of the Divine and whom we are told to love more than our father, our children and all mankind,
So come choose to be kind and in his love become so blind.
If Majnu searched the walls and dwelling places of Leila in love of the one who used to live there within, though to him she was far gone,
We should long to visit the blessed cities in hope of placing our dirty feet where on Allah’s beloved will have walked upon.
For a lover, nothing can be disliked in his Beloved. The lover will even see people in perfection, and the love will stem,
Because everyone is unique in His creation, seeing complete and special perfection within them.
We should love Allah Almighty, and for His sake love all His creatures,
This deep desire to see The Beloved and to only love The Beloved comes only from The Beloved’s true and sincere seekers.
When true love comes, so does mercy and compassion,
This is not the lust that comes with passion.
Connect to the source of all love, the Lord of all beings Ya Wadud, the Loving One.
Ar Rahmaan, Ar Raheem, the Compasionate One, the Most Merciful One.
Says one passionate lover In love of our beloved Mustafa:
“The passionate gaze sees him as the first and the last, he is the Quran, the Furqan, Yaseen and Taha” (Allamah Iqbal RH).
Sisters, your role in society is like the role of the archers in the battle of Uhud.
They were not at the forefront or in the thick of the action,
BUT they held the most important position. They guarded the army. If they moved, the whole army would be uncovered and defeated.
In the same way, if you leave your most important position, you leave the army-the Ummah uncovered.
You are the silent heroes,
You are the foundational structure of great generations,
You are the mothers who look after the family,
You are the first of the teachers of this Ummah,
You are the ones who teach the Muslim men courage, truthfulness, kindness, perseverance, and patience.
You are the carers of the men of this Ummah.
The success of this Ummah lies upon your shoulders. ﷲ͜عَزَّوَجَــــل states that a woman’s primary abode is her home. This does not mean she plays no role in society. She is like the engine of a car hidden in the bonnet. Everything in the car is meaningless without the engine.
The engine being concealed does not mean it is insignificant. In fact, being concealed reveals its real value.
A woman is like a live wire tucked away.
If it is exposed it will shock people. It is concealed yet provides the current for electricity.
A woman is like the battery in a mobile phone.
All the features of the mobile phone mean nothing if the battery is not there. It is concealed but provides the main function. Being concealed and doing what ﷲ͜عَزَّوَجَــــل wants you to do reveals the real value of women.
1. “I pray my Salah and Manzil, then trust Allah. Nothing can harm me! Why would I need Ruqya?”
A simple answer for such people is that the Prophet PBUH also prayed Salah and read the Qur’an, rather the Qur’an was revealed upon him. Despite such noble piety, He PBUH was still affected by jinn/jadoo for six months and wasn’t aware (some scholars say even longer). Salah and Qur’an/Manzil are the best forms of protection, they do help, but a person can still be affected by nazar and jinn etc.
NB: We do not stop anyone from reading Manzil and general Qur’an as this does help immensely if someone casts evil eye on you despite your Salah and Qur’an it will only affect you 20%-30%, because you have a certain amount of protection.
2. “I went for Ruqya once it didn’t make a difference, black magic never really goes away.”
This is a statement we hear often because people have unrealistic expectations from Raqis. They want us to fix all their life problems, marriage, kids, work, house and maybe get us that fancy new car too?? And when those expectations are not met it leads to disappointment and frustration.
Secondly, Ruqya is never a one-time fix, this is the biggest mistake people make because most people need a few sessions.
Thirdly, patience is needed. It takes time for these things to heal. A person can have black magic for 10 years and expects it to go in a day or a week? Even medical doctors can’t cure cancer in a week.
You don’t change GPs every week, in a like manner don’t go to one Raqi today, another one next week, then try Taweez in India, by February you’re on Chinese herbal medicine and then back to anti-depressants. Stick to one method for at least 6 months, if it doesn’t work go to someone else, but do regular treatment.
3. “Ruqya is soo expensive and they tell you to drink Zamzam regularly also expensive, and buy Ajwa dates even more expensive! Ruqya is a rip-off!!”
Money means a lot to us all, we all value and love our money, but do we love our health? Mental and physical health… that’s what it boils down to. If you value your health, you will spend the money you spend all your life earning to save that health. But not everyone does, and nobody admits it.
Dear brother and dear sister, have you ever contemplated the amount of money you spend on takeaways/restaurants. The amount brothers spend on cigarettes and shisha. The amount sisters spend on make-up and handbags? Shoes? None of the above save your health! Cut down on these and save £20 for Zamzam/Ajwa… I’m not an accountant, but you can do the maths, we happily spend on futile things because shaytan loves to mislead us.
Ruqya is expensive and the reason is the nature of the field and the risks we take to do this job. It’s not easy and it’s not ABC, don’t compare us to a dentist or optician who opens at 9 am and closes at 5 pm. Raqis have to do so many things in the background to protect themselves to treat you, it also affects their family and house. Not to mention the backlash from doing Ruqya which comes in many forms.
But we must apply the ‘common sense rule’. If someone is charging in the 100s, then Shariah says use your Aqal and run, as you run from a lion. Don’t get conned!
Look for those who have decent and reasonable prices, bearing in mind those who run from clinics have rent to pay (costs add up). I’m only explaining, not justifying.
Again, I will say, I rarely hear people complain about dentists and opticians who have high rates! Private health care rips your wallet, arm, and leg off…
4. “I’ve heard these guys are all bogus, they make stories up. And it’s all money-making!”
Nobody likes stereotypes. Nobody. But we all get angry and emotional at some point in our lives and blurt a few things hidden in our minds, because of our bad experiences. You are allowed to have bad experiences and even talk about them, just don’t generalise. The word ‘all’ is dangerous, especially when it’s due to the actions of a few individuals.
The police are meant to protect us and uphold the law, often they break the law. There are corrupt police officers, does that mean all coppers are bent? #LoD
Teachers are meant to educate our children in school and madrasah, many teachers abuse our children, physically and sexually. Do you still send your children to school or do you generalise?
Doctors are meant to save our lives, but many doctors have killed their patients. Have you stopped going to the hospital?
My point is every sector has a few rotten apples, but you can’t say that everyone is the same. You get genuine people in the world and corrupt people, we need to look for genuine Raqis.
I have never denied the fact that there are fake healers, even in the Taweez/Aamil world. Don’t look at social media and YouTube, everyone looks good on there! Sisters particularly need to be careful as these predators often target vulnerable women. Always go with a mahram and ask questions if you have doubts about their diagnosis, don’t be bamboozled.
5. “Isn’t there a Hadith to the nearest effect, 70,000 people will enter Jannah without accountability on Qiyamah. One group is those who don’t seek Ruqya.”
The Hadith is correct, but like with most Hadith they need interpretation and commentary, they shouldn’t be taken literally, otherwise, it can cause confusion (generally speaking not just for Ruqya). There are Hadith that the Prophet PBUH urinated standing up? Do we follow such Hadith?
The different meanings of the “one who did not seek ruqya.”
1. There are certain pious individuals who have 100% reliance on Allah SWT and they never turn to the creation for help, like the Prophets AS and the Sahabah RA and even in the general public we have the Saints of Allah, they shouldn’t seek Ruqya as it goes against their tawakkul.
2. They do not ask anyone for Ruqya until the affliction happens, some individuals who panic seek Ruqya before the affliction, this is incorrect.
3. They believe Allah cures not the Raqi, so their belief is correct.
4. They refrain from shirk in their Ruqya, like the Ruqya in pre-Islamic times.
5. They try Ruqya or treatment themselves first then seek it from others. Self-Ruqya is important, to learn and teach it to others.
These are the answers given by Shaykh Khalid Hibshi, KSA
6. “I believe my issues are mental health or even medical. I don’t need Ruqya, because I don’t believe in jinn/jadoo.”
An increasing issue, especially in Europe and the West, where Mental Health issues are accepted and Jinn/Jadoo issues are rejected, denied and marginalized. So where is the balance and correlation between them all? We, as Muslims should believe in Mental Health, it’s a growing reality. Our lifestyle, our diet, and the fast-moving technology are usually the causes.
As for believing in Ruqya and Jinn/Jadoo, be careful before you get your defense shield up. Ruqya is reciting verses of the Qur’an and the treatment is everything mentioned in the Hadith. There is a Surah in the Qur’an called ‘Surah Jinn’. The Prophet PBUH and many of the Sahabah RA were affected by Black Magic. To deny the above is a major sin, and we need to watch our words before we deny them haphazardly.
It is mainly men who deny these things and even some scholars are negative towards jinn/jadoo issues (wait for day 10 and the reality of Ulama/Imams).
To believe in one thing you don’t need to deny another, to believe in mental health (because you suffered) doesn’t mean you deny jinn/Jadoo. But I’ll be honest, I do feel mental health is overrated, everything is mental health nowadays! Especially with the millennial kids and millennial parents, they don’t believe in jinn/Jadoo as much. The reason is the secular society we live in, the NHS and Media promote Mental Health massively. Well, my answer is My Nabi and My Allah promote jinn/Jadoo issues far more, it is endorsed in the Qur’an and Hadith. We do believe in mental health but mental health doesn’t believe in us.
Many people suffering from jinn/jadoo will suffer mental health issues and vice versa, jinn/jadoo can be a contributing factor in mental health and medical issues. Ruqya has helped people who suffer from Anxiety, Depression, Severe Migraines, even in cases of Cancer Ruqya has helped. Some were given ‘all clear’ and others said Ruqya helped with (the pain of) Chemo. That doesn’t mean we deny medical issues, it just endorses what Allah SWT has said, “The Quran is Shifa.” If doctors and medical experts know everything and cure all, why are soo many people still suffering day and night pills after pills;
CT scan = Clear.
MRI = Clear.
X-ray = Clear.
But they are still in pain and agony? Please do explain.
7. “I’ve had soo much Ruqya done, been to a dozen Raqis. Why am I not getting better? Why doesn’t it go away?”
Some people don’t get better and don’t see major improvements, there are reasons for this: i) People don’t act upon the advice we give them. They don’t pray salah and manzil, let alone surah baqarah (which is long). Men don’t go to the masjid, sisters don’t want to cover up and wear hijab, how on earth will you get better? Apart from a miracle…
ii) Sihr/Jadoo can be repeated. Just like Covid-19, you can get it once and you can get it twice (some have had it thrice). You can also get jadoo again, because the people doing it repeat it. Hence, I say never give up Manzil and Surah Baqarah, keep drinking Ruqya water, and use olive oil regularly. Most people become complacent once they see signs of improvement.
iii) The one doing Black Magic is close to you. Nobody likes to hear that, but often true. I don’t suggest accusing people, but the worst cases for us are when the perpetrators of Sihr are family members. Hence they keep feeding you and you lose all spirituality and religiosity.
Food is the strongest source of Black Magic, they feed you by mixing it in your food (usually sweet things, cakes, biscuits, or tea). The food enters your body, flows through your blood, eventually, you are fully ‘jadoofied’. A man’s whole personality can change, good men/women can become bitter and evil, harsh and arrogant.
If you find the concept hard why a family member would do jadoo, father on his own son? Wife on her own husband? One word: control. Control is what everyone craves, but not everyone gets it. Black Magic will give you that control (temporarily), and hellfire (permanently).
8. “You treated my brother who got better instantly, but I am not seeing results despite praying manzil regularly and reading surah baqarah etc.”
Yaqeen and conviction is an important aspect of Islam, it makes all the difference in treatment (medical or spiritual). Even if you take a paracetamol your belief should be Allah SWT cures, not the tablet. If you come for Ruqya you need to believe Allah SWT cures, not the Raqi. The higher the level of Yaqeen the quicker the ilaaj.
Two people can come for Ruqya with different mind-sets and see different results. Many come to ‘test’ us and see if it works. Totally wrong mindset, such people need to stick to MOT testing and not test the words of Allah SWT. If you are cured, Allah SWT cured you and if you weren’t cured there is a deficiency somewhere.
One of the greatest things I have learnt from Ruqya is trust in Allah SWT, hope in Him, and being optimistic about Allah SWT in all situations. It’s a real test of your Imaan. “I am as my servants think of me” (Hadith Qudsi). Think good of Allah SWT and the results are amazing!
One of the best clips on Husne Dhann with Allah SWT for Arabic listeners.
A line from the clip, “One of the pious predecessors used to say, even if Allah SWT enters me into the Hellfire, I will still tell the people of Hell: I love Allah SWT!”
Subhan Allah! Despite being entered into Hell, to still say I love Allah (because He is fair) is real love and optimism. Allah grant us a share of it. Ameen.
9. “I have heard Raqis don’t like Aamils and people who do Taweez, is this true? Because they say all Taweez are shirk!”
There is a hadith that states ‘amulets/taweez are shirk’, but there is also a hadith (which nobody quotes) that states ‘Ruqya is shirk’. As always, Hadith need interpretation and commentary. The answer to both Hadith is that those amulets which contain the words of Shirk and associating partners with Allah SWT are Shirk. The same applies to Ruqya of jahiliyya/pre-Islam which contains Shirk is not allowed.
Taweez is a grey area though and we need to be careful what sort of taweez we use. If it is clear and legible, then good, if it is a Qur’an ayah you know, then okay. But if you don’t know what it says in the taweez, avoid it like the plague. Why risk it?
Many taweez have been opened to find hair and blood inside. Others had the names of Shaytan and pictures of Shaytan. Hence, we always promote Ruqya which is clear and Qur’anic, it makes sense. The method of treatment is found in the Sunnah. Why have cotton when you can have silk?
As for the hatred, Taweez vs. Ruqya, I have never been intimidated by anyone who does Taweez, Alhumdu Lillah. But I am not sure about the other way round. I have heard many Aamils who spread all sorts of rumours about Raqis, it’s like we are stepping on their toes! If what they do is “kosher” why do they panic when someone starts Ruqya?
Why the use of such adjectives like “dodgy mawlana” or “Magician molsab”? Carry on with what you do silently… but ruqya does damage for some of them, because their works are far, far from kosher. It is the work of Shaytan! Black magic comes from somewhere…
And often that somewhere are Peers and Mawlanas who sell Taweez containing shirk and black magic. People who do Black Magic don’t sit in a castle dressed in black with a cat and cauldron, that’s Harry Potter! In real life, they are our own scholars making millions of dollars. Be warned!
The truth is always bitter, but bitter medicine has always proven to cure faster than any other. And remember half these stories you get from Aamils are absolutely bogus, many claim to keep jinns for info, even that is questionable whether their jinns exist? But people love to hear their fascinating stories!
10. “I recently went to a counsellor with my husband, the counsellor is also an Alim. We talked about jinn/jadoo issues to which he replied, “shut that topic down, no such thing! 99% of these jinn/jadoo issues are just mental health!”
The best to the last… Ulama and jinn/jadoo issues! First and foremost, we need to understand scholars are scholars, not God! They study in Darul Uloom for 6/7 years to give them “training” in Qur’an/Hadith.
I choose my words carefully, ‘training’, they don’t qualify to know everything. Then they’re told to further their studies on their own or specialise in specific fields. But the majority don’t, many don’t even know Qur’an and Hadith properly let alone specialise in something, let alone know about Mental Health and Jinn/Jadoo issues. Just like this scholar mentioned above. When I put on my trench coat and glasses, I realised he also works in a school? Imagine how many people he is misleading because of his arrogance! You know I will always challenge these molvis… so I called him and gave a plethora of evidence, hadhrat jee put the phone down! I apologised for hurting his ego.
For years, I wondered and wandered through different avenues to work out why soo many Ulama are against Ruqya and negative towards jinn/jadoo issues.
Once I listened to a talk relating the story of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal RH, in his time someone came and said, “O Imam! Fulan ibn Fulan denies the issue of jinn!” Imam Ahmad RH: “This is the Shaytan talking on his tongue.” This meaning shaytan will target ulama/imams and misguide them, to mislead the masses, there is plenty of evidence for this. It is important for ulama to have protection against sihr/jinn.
We will always reach out to Ulama who are wrong and correct them, there is no harm. It is better than gheebat-ing, especially in a dars of hadith. That’s right, even senior scholars can be corrected. Recently, our intel told us a senior Shaykhul Hadith sat in a lesson of Bukhari blasting Ruqya and blasting me! What was my sin? Educating people on Black Magic and Ruqya.
Subhan Allah! It’s a shame ulama don’t have the courage to ring me or tell me to my face, especially when I’m not doing anything wrong… these are the elders we are told to respect since we were small. I wonder if they are elders or oldies?
Ismail ibn Nazir Satia (one who is in dire need of Allah’s forgiveness, mercy and pleasure).
All Praise for Allah SWT and Peace and Blessing be on His Final Prophet. The following Aqaid must be known by all Muslims and mentioned by parents and guardians to the children.
The following are the Aqaaid taken from the Holy Qur’an and Hadith.
1. Prophet Eesa (A.S.) was born miraculously without a father. His mother Maryam (R.A.) never married. *Joseph the carpenter is not the father of Prophet Eesa (A.S ). 2. Prophet Eesa AS was not the son of God. He was a Prophet just like other Prophets (A S.) 3. He was not killed nor put on the cross. He has not yet died a physical death. 4. Allah SWT raised him physically in the heavens. 5. He will return to this world, just before Qiyamah during the reign of Imam Mahdi (R.A.). to kill Dajjaal (Antichrist). On his return, Prophet Eesa (A.S.) will be a follower of our Prophet (S.A.W.)
Note: To go against even one of the 4 mentioned Aqaid (practically, verbally etc.) or doubt any single Aqidah will be an act of Kufr.
May Allah SWT protect the Iman of all Muslims. Ameen.
Allah SWT knows best. Mufti Muhammad Faruq Saheb(hafidhahullah) (Date: 06/12/2020)
The first and most important point is to make sure the charity is Shariah Compliant. Let us not be naïve and think everything that has the words “Islam” or “Islamic” before it, is according to Qur’an and Hadith. Many charities do activities which are violating the laws of Allah SWT, you do not need to be a Mufti/Scholar to know this. For example, mixed events, music in their videos, qawwali is becoming common, fashion shows and makeup tutorials… the list goes on. Every sane Muslim knows these things are totally wrong in the name of Islam.
Make sure the
charity is under the supervision of at least one Alim or a group of qualified
scholars. We see charities opening on every street corner, many of these
brothers and sisters do not have knowledge of the basics of Islam. They are
collecting our Zakah and Sadaqah, how can we guarantee it will be distributed
correctly and accurately?
Give to needy charities and not the GREEDY ones! You should be giving your money to the neediest places and the neediest charities. Some charities accumulate 40-50 million pounds a year, others are very close. Check their annual reports or search on the Charity Commission Website. Check to see how much of that money is being spent, why give your Zakah to a charity that still hoards last year’s Zakah?
Ask your charity
if they take admin costs for Zakah and Sadaqah, some charities take
astronomical amounts! Although it is permissible to take from Sadaqah, one must
ask a local Mufti if it is permissible to take admin costs from Zakah: https://islamqa.org/hanafi/qibla-hanafi/37024
Ask your charity how quickly they distribute Zakah. As mentioned in point 3, some charities get millions every year. A lot of this money is hoarded in their bank accounts as they are unable to spend this money instantly. Which could mean your charity still has last year’s Zakah gathered up! Do you really want to give them this year’s Zakah? Some charities have a 30-day policy i.e. they distribute your Zakah within 30 days, I personally think this is an excellent idea.
Don’t be ashamed to ask how much they pay their employees, their PR managers and the CEO. We hear about charities taking ridiculous wages due to help from Gift Aid etc. Unfortunately, the concept of kindness and consideration is disappearing from some charitable people.
“You donate for the sake of Allah!” I am sure you have all heard this one before? Some defensive charity workers reply with the above statement when questioned about their practises and money management. The statement is incompetent and uneducated. Just because we donate for Allah does NOT mean in any way, shape or form we cannot question people. It is our God-given right, we are living in 21st Century Britain.
Now we come on to charities collecting door-to-door. Most of us, unfortunately, donate blindly, we do not ask for a receipt, nor a charity reg number. Some of these people are not even Muslim, they just grow a beard and wear a hat or hijab for women. We must follow protocol, and ask for a certificate where it applies. We need to get rid of our ignorance and stop saying, “We donate for Allah and it is all in his hands” Definitely, you donate for Allah, but does that mean you donate to thieves and crooks because of your sheer naivety? Learn to ask a few questions, ask for their website (give it a quick google search on the doorstep), their head office location, which countries they work in etc.
Make an intention, The intention is important for Zakah. AS for Sadaqah/Lillah most of us give Ma Sha Allah, very generously. But we do not make an intention, for esale thawab, for Shifa, safety from calamities, multiple intentions can be made In Sha Allah. Allah accept from one and all. Ameen.
Ismail ibn Nazir Satia(one who is in dire need of Allah’s forgiveness, mercy and pleasure)
A study looked at Muslim couples who get divorced:
Shaykh mentioned 68% of couples in the UK will divorce in the first 3 years of marriage.
○ Most of those who got divorced are educated
○ Many of them had the kind of jobs, where they intervene to defuse conflict
● The intent of the course is to speak about love to Muslims from a philosophical perspective
● We will talk about what makes you, you?
○ What does Islam offer, to make you the best of you
● Look at the words that are used to describe marriage and love in Islam
○ Imam Ibn Hazm coined the word soul mate – the first time westerners saw that a soul can love another soul
○ Imam Ibn Qayim RH has a book called Rawdat Al Muhibeen
○ Ibn Ul Jawzi RH – Said if a man does not know how to love, he should eat hay, because he’s a donkey
○ Muslims saw that we should cling onto one another and love one another so we can become khulafah on the earth → so that children can receive the earth in a way that is better than the way that we received it, that is the concept of khulafah
● There is no book of hadith that does not mention the love between the Prophet SAW and his wives
○ The year that Khadijah RA died, became the year of sadness
○ The Prophet SAW is a role model
● What the poster doesn’t show
○ Doesn’t show what’s behind them
● When the Prophet SAW talks about marriage, he says it’s half of your deen
○ You actualize a lot of the characteristics of Islam during your relationship with your spouse
○ The money that a man spends on his family is “sadaqah” [Muslim]
When you say the shahadah, it has conditions,
○ You begin to learn the importance of Allah when you gather knowledge [ilm]
○ The second step is [yaqeen] certainty
○ That leads you to [inqiyad] submission, which leads you to practice, in the way that Allah swt requested
○ Number 5 is [sidq] to be more truthful with Allah swt
○ and that leads you to [Ikhlas], having enough, other than Allah, put all my trust to
○ Last level, is love [hob] → you begin loving Allah too much to miss prayer.
● Love is the last level of worship, and some people worship things that they should, Allah doesn’t say worship he says love “yohiboonahu ka hob illah”
‘Uboodiya (worship) → anything Allah loves for you to do, whether it is a word you say, an action you do, or a feeling in your heart
● We are not here just to talk about romance, we are here to talk about love, loving your dad, your mom, your country.
Definitions
● The origin for the word “husband” or “spouse” is very different in English and Qur’anic Arabic
● Husbandry: “convincing a bull to sire a cow”
● Other words for “spouse” in the Quran
زَ وج ■
● [2:35]
● two distinct, unique individuals that upon joining, become one so you don’t see the seam between them.
ِلبَاس ■
● [2:187]
● your inner intimate garment is called libas; nobody is as close to you as that garment
● “libas ul harb” the armour of war, she is the shield from the dunya
َصا ِحبَة ■
● 42 words for love in the Arabic language
● Sahib: the one that walks with you for life
■
ن
قُ رةَ أَ ْعُي
● [25:74]
● “fills the eyes of your husband”
● “there is no provision greater than that of a righteous woman. She is a women that when a husband sees her, he feels happiness in the heart” [Muslim]
ِحصن ■
● She’s your fortress, palace, castle
● You are the moat that surrounds her
بَعِلي ■
● [11:72]
● “My spring/fountain of all good”
● He is the one that showers me with good, with his words, his wealth, etc
● That is how Sarah describes Ibrahim (AS)
● He created the heavens and earth in truth. He wraps the night over the day and wraps the day over the night and has subjected the sun and the moon, each running [its course] for a specified term. Unquestionably, He is the Exalted in Might, the Perpetual Forgiver. He created you from one soul. Then He made from it its mate… [39:5-6]
○ When Allah talks about all these dualities (heavens/earth, night/day, sun/moon), He inserts one singularity: one soul.
○ when you get married, you’re two separate entities that come together from one pairing
So exalted is Allah when you reach the evening and when you reach the morning. And
to Him is [due all] praise throughout the heavens and the earth. And [exalted is He] at
night and when you are at noon. He brings the living out of the dead and brings the
dead out of the living and brings to life the earth after its lifelessness. And thus will you
be brought out. And of His signs is that He created you from dust; then, suddenly you
were human beings dispersing [throughout the earth]. And of His signs is that He
created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He
placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the
diversity of your languages and your colours. Indeed, in that are signs for those of
knowledge. Surah Rum [30:17-22]
– He speaks about light and day – He speaks about the lifeless earth coming back to life and thriving with vegetation – Then he talks about the soul vs dust – And in the middle of all these he talks about the relationship in partners, and it is no longer about the dualities, it is about the singularity
→ Someone from yourselves, mates He likes it to- “signs” His about talking by verse ends AND begins -إِ ن فِي َٰذَِل َك َلَيَا ت – saying, “pay attention” – Prophet (SAW) – when Adam was created, our souls were created “like ants” – there’s a moment where the soul is brought to life. you’re born into this life and your soul itself is not extinguishable – Prophet (SAW) (Hadith of Imam Bukhari) – The souls when they were created in the time of Adam, they were brought into groupings, and the souls became familiar with one another – A long essay is written about this hadith, and it says if there is a bright soul, and it enters into a room of 1000 dark souls, and one bright soul, that soul would attach itself to the other bright soul – souls gravitate to each other … or make you hate each other’s guts – The concept of soul mates for us isn’t just husband and wife – your bffs, your parents, your teachers – scent is powerful – sometimes you might smell something in the air, maybe Coco Chanel like grandma wore…sometimes it really takes you back to a certain time in your life – Your soul remembers people, just like your scent does, and it brings warmness into your heart he said he ,(soul) روح the about asked was SAW Prophet the When – couldn’t say much that is in the knowledge of Allah and we don’t know much about it – Sometimes our soul pushes back people we should be attracted to, and that is because we need to purify our soul effort requires purification – قد أفلح من زكاها – – we attempt to connect with people for marriage and on paper they seem like reasonable candidates…but at that moment when you push back someone who is good, his soul might be too clean, and your soul might be a bit tarnished – your soul might not be accessible to that righteous man/women Good the with up matched usually is Good The – الطيبون لطيبات –
When you are looking for marriage – you need to make sure your soul is accessible to pious souls – don’t always put it on the other person
Quranic Stories about Spouses
The Qur’an is a holistic document that outlines a lifestyle for us. There are many lessons and examples for us to draw from.
● Adam (AS)
○ He asks for a “sahibah”, someone with him
○ Jannah is not enough. You need someone who loves you
■ Even the shaheed, looks behind and Allah gives him the news of them joining you
○ Allah creates for him and blesses him with his wife Hawa’
○ Allah tells Adam (AS) to not eat from the tree as Iblees is an enemy to you and Hawa [20:117]
■ (according to hadith, the greatest thing that the little shayateen can do to make Iblis happy is to convince a man and his wife to split up)
○ Iblis wanted to uncover the blessing that Allah SWT gave Adam, and expose their bad
○ Responsibility for the sin is greater on Adam (AS) (very different from other scriptures)
■ [20:121]
○ Adam AS and Hawa RA were separated when they descended to Earth
■ Jeddah got its name from Jaddah, the Arabic word for grandmother. It is where Hawa’ is believed to have descended
■ Adam AS ‘arafa-ha, or, “recognized her” a little before Maghrib and it is the same day we commemorate on ‘Arafa during Hajj
■ That is when Adam made that dua’a “Rabbana dhalamna anfusana…”
“Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You do not forgive us
and have mercy upon us, we will surely be among the losers.”
■ That dua’a and that moment of worship commemorates a moment of love that millions of people recreate on Yawm al ‘Arafa
■ Then they came together, and worshiped Allah SWT The first place that a person made sujood to Allah SWT was Adam, inside the fortified walls of the ka’abah.
● Ayyoub (AS)
○ Lots of time people say, we should have patience/endurance like Ayoub (AS)
○ For the first 50 years of his life, Allah gave him prosperity
■ (he had 7 daughters and 7 sons, wealth, the people who he was sent to preach to accept him)
○ After 50 years of prosperity, Allah began to test him.
■ The earthquake made his house collapse and children all died at once;
■ All his servants were killed and wealth looted;
■ people thought he was a false prophet, because “why would God do this to a righteous prophet? he must be cursed.” everyone left his side;
■ His body became decayed and sickly
○ His wife stayed. This man who had everything, lost everything, except his wife
■ The woman who was a mistress of the house became a servant
■ People did not want to be near her as to not “catch her curse”
■ She would ask Ayoub to make dua’a to Allah, and Ayoub said “I am shy to ask Allah after 50 years of prosperity, to ask Allah for relief after only 4 years of hardship”
■ His wife came back with food and when he asked where it came from she pulled back her scarf (she had cut her hair and sold it for food)
○ After seeing his wife suffer, this man (AS) of patience made dua’a “My lord harm has touched me and my family, and you are the most merciful of those who show mercy”
■ It was as if Allah was just waiting for him to ask…
■ A spring gushed forth and Ayyub (AS) drank from the spring, and became young and has been given their life again and everything returned to him
■ The thing that moved Ayoub was love, it is that he loved his wife more than his own patience
○ The right of the servant is to be put before the right you owe Allah CIRCUMSTANTIALLY
■ If your wife (or mom or dad etc) falls sick, and you were going to hajj and your ihraam is on and your foot almost out the door, you stay.
→ The right your family member has on you is greater than that obligation to Allah
■ Abdullah Ibn Mubarak RH – Went for hajj and saw a dream of those who made hajj and their hajj was accepted. He saw the face of a man and where he lived
● Abdullah immediately went to see him. Upon meeting the man, he found that he had not made hajj! The man said that he was on his when he saw an impoverished man. He realized that he that the wealth he had planned to use to go
Love Notes By Sh Yahya Ibrahim 5 to hajj would be enough to get the man in need on his own two feet. So he gave it to him and made dua’a that he would get to go for Hajj later. THAT is the man that Abdullah saw with a shining face. ● Prophet Dawood (AS)
○ King of his time, had many wives
○ Looked over his marketplace and saw a beautiful woman. He asked if this woman is spoken for? They said no, but she is promised to the general.
■ for a moment Dawud (AS)’s heart thought “if that man becomes Shaheed… Allah give him Jannah” lol
○ (In Surah Saad)
■ Allah sent two men (really angels) that jump in front of him and he reels back. One of them says “don’t be scared, we are two men that are quarrelling. He has 99 sheep and I have 1 (representing blessings), and he keeps desiring my 1 sheep to complete his 1 00.
■ Dawud says, he has wronged you to even suggest that he should give you your sheep.
■ Then it clicked in his mind that it was a test from Allah! It was a message indicating that he (AS) have been blessed with so much, and that generally is the one who has that one sheep…so Dawud (AS) fell in prostration
○ The stories of the Quran are full of love and passion
● Nuh (AS)
○ Imagine you are some sheikh, and you are on the pulpit for Juma’a and you are telling it as it is…Then your wife walks out and says “It’s all nonsense! He is making it all up!” Your son is sitting there and saying, “PSHHH, don’t listen to this guy. He knows nothing.” (People would be like, when your family believes, then come talk to me lol”)
○ Your wife and your son become adversaries and they become leaders of those who disbelieve
○ Imagine that is you, just a sheikh – Imagine being the Prophet of Allah
○ Nuh AS never gives up
○ Nuh is on a ship on land that has been experiencing a drought for years and people are looking at him like he is crazy – until Allah swt orders the sky to let down its rain, and the sky gushes until the waves become the size of mountains
■ And Nuh asks his son, belief in God so I can let you on the ship, his son says, I don’t believe in you or your god or your ship, I’ll go up to that mountain and it will protect me from the waters
■ So he says, my son, none will be protected except those that are on this ship, and then he refuses and he becomes one of those who drowned
■ Nuh says to Allah “When you promise, it is true, you said you would save me and my family, he is part of me and he drowned” so Allah said, “he is not your family, forget him”
● The illegitimate is not to be loved, Allah will always get you out of those drowning waters and until the last moments Allah will provide you what is good – but he will never make the illegitimate, legitimate
● What makes you and I who we are? Why are the stories of the messengers something that still resonates with us?
○ Part 1: Jasad – 70% of us is water, 30% is organic
■ The difference between us and pigs is less than 1% (genetically speaking)
■ In the Quran: Those who know God, but do not accept God are like Cattle
○ Part 2: Mind
■ Rational being, we think and can anticipate what is happening
■ Allah has blessed the son of Adam with the mind, drugs and intoxicants are haram because they take away the mind
■ Don’t think that animals do not have emotions and feelings too
■ Sheikh plays this video
● Sometimes we think we are the only beings that actually matter
● Ibn Qayim writes 60 pages on Allah quoting the ant
○ Ant knows delegation & authority
○ Knows what is home & what isn’t
○ It knows name “Solomon”, and his troops (knows our functions)
○ And the ant makes an excuse (if they trample you then they don’t know)
○ Ibn Qayyim lists 11 types of language that the ant uses
■ Allah inspires the bees regarding how it can live its life
■ Don’t ever think that the world around you is meaningless, simple experiments show that there is so much more in the world that Allah created
■ They are a nation, just like you are a nation
○ Part 3: Soul
■ There are 3 components, and this 3rd part is what makes us insaan
■ The majesty of the soul lives in the heart – The heart is the throne of the soul
● The chest is what protects the heart
● Haritha (one of the sahabah) is walking and the Prophet SAW says how are you and he says I woke up a mu’min, Prophet SAW said why? He said when I pray it is if I see Allah but I do not see him; when I sin, I see the fire, but it is not
Love Notes By Sh Yahya Ibrahim 7 there; When I do good, I see Jannah, but I do not see it – So Prophet SAW touches his chest and he says you are a believer
● Hope, mercy, love of God is in your chest, it is important to keep that spirit true
● When Allah talks about Imaan he says Allah opened his chest to Imaan (that is the imagery given to us by Allah SWT)
● That is why the heart is so important to talk about love because the heart is what governs the rest of us
● When your heart is closer to Allah, it is easier to come closer to people à that is the beauty of the dua’ of Musa “’ishrahly sadry”, open my heart to people
● The premise of this class is to bring our hearts closer to Allah so that we can come close to his servants
■ The 3 levels are ascending levels
■ Islam also has 3 levels, Islam, Ihsan and Iman; Each of those 3 levels matches our 3 parts
● Islam (Jasad) – You must physically say the words of the shahadah, pray, fast, do Hajj, and give zakat, Islam matches the physicalness of you jasad
● Imaan (Akl) – Matches your mind, the 6 articles of faith cannot be qualified/rationalized, but they are believed. Iman came to subdue the rationale that pulls you away from Allah
● Ihsan (Ruh) – Even though you cannot see Allah in life, your heart is always aware of Allah. Everything you witness in life connects you to Allah
○ Imam Sufyan al Thawri is walking out of the masjid, and a man begins to abuse him, his students try to stop him, he says no leave him and he says “I know the sin that I did that brought this upon me”
○ Imam Sufyan RH would give his students 3 rules when teaching them:
■ Correct what is between you and Allah, and he will help you correct what is between you and mankind
■ Fix what is between you and Allah privately, he will make your public good with others
■ Remember Allah when you don’t need him, and he will know you when you need him
○ There are angels whose job is to catch our hadith (dua’a) and throw it back at us because it is not worthy of ascending – hadith of the Prophet SAW armour.
Ask yourself: if the Prophet SAW was with us today,
If he spoke the same words and lived the same way,
If he returned with the same message to relay,
How long would the forces of the world let him stay?
Back then, he taught humankind to: ‘Bow down to none,
No idol, no tyrant, no oppressive nation,
Keep your heart and mind free from their domination,
True power is with God, so don’t fear anyone!’
Quraysh let him be so long as he was benign,
And to his message, they thought that few would incline,
But when he preached openly, would not bend his spine,
The state turned against him, for he had crossed the line;
At first, they rushed to him seeking some compromise,
They’d give him the mic if he just ceased to chastise,
The ills around him they feared he would neutralize,
But he would not clothe his words in any disguise;
And he persisted in making more minds aware,
Of society’s false gods of which to beware,
Of the tyrants of Earth, so the state could not bear,
And his “freedom of speech” vanished into thin air;
Choking him as he prayed, they tried suffocation,
Then imposed three years of economic sanction,
Signed off authorizing his assassination,
He was hunted in his land, forced to migration;
To track down this “radical”, the vast land they’d comb,
Abu Jahl led the pack, his mouth frothing with foam,
Put him on a ‘Wanted’ list in his own home,
Like Jesus Christ before him at the hands of Rome;
And the Romes of today at whose hands we’re abused,
Who preach to us values from which they’re self-excused,
How similar the tools of repression they used,
The tyrants of past and present are ever fused;
Today, he’d see us consumed by the same fires,
With the gods in our hearts these worldly desires,
And the gods of the Earth nations and empires,
Headed by killers and professional liars;
He laid siege to Qaynuqa’ for one woman’s fear,
So what would he say to those who gang-raped ‘Abeer?
Muffled ‘Aafia’s screams as she shed tear after tear?
And occupy Muslim countries year after year?
He’d come back to remind us to: ‘Bow down to none,
No idol, no tyrant, no oppressive nation,
Keep your heart and mind free from their domination,
True power is with God, so don’t fear anyone!’
In a repeat of that reality uncouth,
Imagine he stood and struggled for the same truth,
And had the same impact on society’s youth,
Would they not once again fight this man nail & tooth?
Of course, they’d first test him to see what he’s about,
Would he stay true like before, or would he sell out?
Would fear of the state instil in his mind some doubt?
No doubt, he’d be a mountain shaking off their clout;
In an era where his inheritors deprave,
The trust of their knowledge so their skins they would save,
He’d be an inspiration for every field slave,
Craving an example of the fearless and brave;
Their think-tanks would scramble to counter his appeal,
Find scholars for dollars with whom to make a deal,
To persuade us: ‘The Prophet is just full of zeal,
Grieving injustices – quote – “perceived” and not real!’
They’d wiretap him as he said: ‘Bow down to none,
No idol, no tyrant, no oppressive nation,
Keep your heart and mind free from their domination,
True power is with God, so don’t fear anyone!’
Then they’d name him on a federal indictment,
American court would charge him with incitement,
Through Surat at-Tawbah – marked ‘Criminal Statement’
Khalid bin al-Walid as his co-defendant;
They’d say he conspired from the North to the South Pole,
And seek a life sentence with no chance of parole,
In a bright orange suit on lockdown in the Hole,
Such do they treat those spirits they cannot control;
Like the rest of us who have committed no crime,
But to be a proud Muslim at this point in time,
As the war on his message has reached its full prime,
Giving those who live by it more mountains to climb;
When they saw that in this message he would persist,
They would designate him a global terrorist,
And just like Quraysh, they would pound an angry fist,
Before placing his name on their own target list;
Over the skies of Madinah, they’d send a drone,
Distribute ‘Wanted’ posters with his bearded face shown,
Talk to local tribes, make the reward money known,
For those who capture or kill him and retrieve each bone;
They’d study Badr and Uhud, learn his strategy,
And profile those who pledged to him under the Tree,
Try to identify his ‘Number Two’ and ‘Three,’
Is it Abu Bakr, ‘Umar, ‘Uthman, or ‘Ali?
To the Prophet’s Mosque, they’d send an entire brigade,
To round up the Ansar who had given him aid,
To kick down his family’s door in a night raid,
To make him the target of their final crusade;
Because his message would still be: ‘Bow down to none,
No idol, no tyrant, no oppressive nation,
Keep your heart and mind free from their domination,
True power is with God, so don’t fear anyone!’
Imagine if the Prophet SAW was with us today,
If he spoke the same words and lived the same way,
If he returned with the same message to relay,
They’d reserve him a cell at Guantanamo Bay …
صلي الله عليه و سلم
طارق مهنا
Tarek Mehanna
Monday 9th of Dhu al-Hijjah 1431
15th of November 2010
Plymouth Correctional Facility, America
Isolation Unit – Cell #108
FOOTNOTES:
1.) Abeer Qasim al-Janabi, a 14-yr old Iraqi girl who was gang-raped,
beaten, shot, and burned along with her parents and siblings by American soldiers in March of 2006, south of Baghdad. (May Allah have Mercy on them)
2.) Referring to the hadith: “The scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets.”
3.) Referring to the Pledge of Ridwan given under a tree on the day of Hudaybiyah, as mentioned in Surat al-Fath, v.18.
MARITAL ADVICE LISTS are common to find in Muslim literature and lectures, yet the information is almost always targeted towards women. However, we all know that it takes two to tango – and so here is a list aimed at Muslim husbands in the hopes that they, too, will benefit and be able to improve their relationships.
1. Have taqwa and iḥsân
Know that you are responsible for your end of the marriage, regardless of how the other party treats you. Fulfill your wife’s rights without demanding yours first, and know that you seek Allah’s Pleasure over anyone else’s. Do your job with excellence, and don’t make it conditional. Iḥsân is not merely to worship in the ritual sense, but to conduct oneself in general with an awareness that Allah is Al-Raqîb (the Ever-Watchful), and to fulfill one’s duties in the best of manners.
Then he (Jibrîl) said, “Inform me about iḥsân.” He (the Messenger of Allah) answered, “It is that you should serve Allah as though you could see Him, for though you cannot see Him yet (know that) He sees you.” (Muslim)
2. Respect her
Remember that Allah describes marriage as a bond of love and mercy – love ebbs and flows, but mercy and respect must always be there, even – especially – in times of conflict. Unfortunately, we tend to present respect as a quality that men need (“men need respect, women need affection”). The truth is, however, that one can love someone without respecting them… and this is very, very dangerous. To have mercy and respect one’s wife is to never assume that she exists merely as an extension of you or to serve your needs. To respect her is to honor her, to defend her from harm and others’ accusations, and to have husn al-ẓann of her.
In cases of disagreement, this respect translates as not forcing your own opinion upon her when there is Islamically acceptable room for differences of opinion.
It should go without saying, but unfortunately it bears repeating nonetheless – respecting your wife means never, ever, abusing her, physically or otherwise.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Sûrat Al-Rûm, 30:21]
Even in times of conflict, Allah tells us to behave in the most respectful and gracious of manners:
And do not forget graciousness between you. [Sûrat Al-Baqarah, 2:237]
Abû Mûsa Al-Ashʿari (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
I asked the Messenger of Allah: “Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure.”[1]
3. Be emotionally intelligent
Empathy, being attuned to the other person’s preferences, learning to understand their personality and responding appropriately without expecting to change them into something they’re not… supporting and respecting each other as both individuals and as a team. The Prophet ﷺ was an emotionally intelligent husband, who knew the differences in his wives’ personalities and interacted with them in a manner best suited to each woman. He comforted Ṣufiyyah when she wept; he had spirited discussions with ʿÂishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and he encouraged Ḥafṣah’s (May Allah be pleased with her) for knowledge.
In a famous narration known as the Hadith of Abu Zarʿ(May Allah be pleased with him) [2] ʿAishah told the Prophet ﷺ the story of eleven women who sat together and described their husbands’ qualities and behaviours. The eleventh woman, Umm Zarʿ, described Abû Zarʿas a man who was extremely generous to his wife, showering her with gifts; who went out of his way to please her; who never rebuked her or verbally abused her; who made sure that she was comfortable and satisfied. To Umm Zarʿ, there was no greater husband than Abû Zarʿ- and the Prophet ﷺ himself told ʿÂishah, I am to you as Abû Zarʿwas to Umm Zarʿ, except that I will never divorce you.
4. Be a True Qawwâm
Know that being a qawwâm is a matter of being a good leader – not authoritarian or a dictator, but someone who inspires love and respect, who treats others with dignity and respect… The popular book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a great resource for understanding what good leadership is. There are several excellent Islamic resources discussing leadership lessons from the life of the Prophet ﷺ. [3][4] Strive to embody the Sunnah in your character, not just in how many rakʿahs a day you pray.
ʿÂishah RA described the Prophet thus: “His character was the Quran.”[5] Be the type of husband that a wife describes in such a manner.
Remember that as a qawwâm, you are responsible and accountable for the well-being of your household and those under your care.
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:
“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The amîr (ruler) who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household and he is responsible for his flock…”[6]
5. Be friends before you become spouses
That might sound odd (or not) – but we often put so much pressure on ourselves to fulfill a role (husband/wife), that we forget to get to know each other as friends first. Every marriage will go through ups and downs, intimately and otherwise… and you’ll be surprised to realize how much having a solid, sincere friendship can pull you through the hard times.
One example of RasûlAllah’s “friendship” with his wives is his relationship with Sawdah bint Zamʿah RA. She was the first woman whom he married after the death of Khadijah, and although she was considered to be elderly and not as beautiful as the other women whom he would later marry, their relationship was one of camaraderie, confidence, and laughter. [7]
6. Don’t be embarrassed or ignorant of female biology
Learn about it – from menstruation to female sexuality to pregnancy and everything else. You need to know this stuff – it will impact your life significantly, intimately and otherwise. Don’t laugh it off or act as though it’s not worth your time and attention. Women’s health is sorely misunderstood, and having a disinterested (or worse, disgusted) husband can make things even more difficult for women.
The Prophet ﷺ did not shy away from these matters, either as a husband or as a Messenger of Allah. Instead, he constantly enjoined men to be aware of and sensitive to their wives’ needs – just as he was with his wives.
Narrated Umm Salamah RA:
While I was laying with the Prophet ﷺ under a single woolen sheet, I got the menses. I slipped away and put on the clothes for menses. He said, “Have you got “nifâs” (menses)?” I replied, “Yes.” He then called me and made me lie with him under the same sheet.[8]
7. Be responsible
Being “a good Muslim husband” doesn’t just mean fulfilling the basic rights as a husband and leaving it at that. Being a good Muslim husband means that you are on the ball as a responsible adult – whether it’s paying the bills, taking out the trash, cleaning a mess in the house, or being an engaged father (not ‘babysitting’). Doing these things is not a “kindness to the wife,” or “helping out at home.” It’s not “extra credit” and deserving of lavish praise. It is part and parcel of being a grown man responsible for his surroundings, his family, and himself. Do these things out of mindfulness that Allah will never waste your efforts for His Sake.
Narrated Al-Aswad RA:
I asked ʿÂishah what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer.” (Bukhâri)
ʿÂishah RA reported:
I was asked, “What did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, do in his house?” I said, “The Prophet was a man among men. He would remove fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve himself.” (Musnad Ahmad 25662)
8. Don’t pursue your nawâfil at the expense of your wife’s farâ’iḍ
One issue that many men fall into is that in their zeal to engage more in ʿibâda, they end up burdening their wives even more – to the extent that she is barely able to pray her five ṣalawât with khushûʿ. Both spouses should encourage and facilitate opportunities for each other to strengthen as Muslims, but mothers of young children especially need their husbands to step up so that they can have the necessary time they need to reconnect with Allah and flourish spiritually. (And no, that doesn’t just mean five minutes here and there.)
Ramadan is a time when this becomes more obvious than ever – for example, many men will go to Ṣalat Al-Ṭarâwîḥ while leaving their wives to deal with the children, in addition to having cooked ifṭâr beforehand. On a daily basis, though, go out of your way to facilitate your wife’s ʿibâda and spiritual connection.
Narrated Abû Juḥaifah RA:
The Prophet ﷺ made a bond of brotherhood between Salmân Al-Fârisi RA and Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA. Salmân RA paid a visit to Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA and found Umm Al-Dardâ’ RA dressed in shabby clothes and asked her why she was in that state. She replied, “Your brother Abû Al-Dardâ’ R is not interested in (the luxuries of) this world.”
In the meantime Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA came and prepared a meal for Salmân RA. Salmân RA requested Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA to eat (with him), but Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA said, “I am fasting.” Salmân RA said, “I am not going to eat unless you eat.”
So, Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA ate (with Salmân). When it was night and (a part of the night had passed), Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA got up (to offer the night prayer), but Salmân RA told him to sleep and Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA slept.
After sometime Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA again got up but Salmân RA told him to sleep. When it was the last hours of the night, Salmân RA told him to get up then, and both of them offered the prayer.
Salmân RA told Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA, “Your Lord has a right on you, your soul has a right on you, and your family has a right on you; so you should give the rights of all those who has a right on you.”
Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA came to the Prophet ﷺ and narrated the whole story. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Salmân RA has spoken the truth.”[9]
9. Learn conflict resolution skills
One big reason that couples end up going to Shuyûkh for counseling is because they simply haven’t learned how to communicate and resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. It’s not even about one specific issue or another; it’s about learning how to deal with whatever issues arise, in the most respectful and appropriate manner possible. [10]
The Quran and Sunnah urge positive reconciliation between believers, and especially between husbands and wives.
“And live with them honourably. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.”[Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:19]
“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them – and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah – then indeed Allah is ever with what you do, Acquainted.” [Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:128]
10. Love your wife for who she is
Not because she’s the person who cooks for you or does your laundry. Not because she’s the mother of your child(ren). Not because you’ve settled into routine and you feel comfortable having her around and she knows how to work the coffee maker and where the family’s paperwork is filed. Love her for her. Her personality traits, her talents, her hobbies, the things about her that make her unique.
Notice them, appreciate them, compliment them. Let her know that you don’t just see her as wife or mother, but as an individual on her own. Know that long before she married you, indeed long before she was born to her own parents, she was created as a separate soul – a human being whose primary identity is as a slave of Allah.
And most importantly – let her know that you love her, with all the pride and openness that RasûlAllah ﷺ demonstrated when he was asked, “Who do you love most?” and he responded, simply and beautifully, “ʿÂishah.” [11]
There are of course numerous other pieces of advice that can be dispensed on the topic – everything from giving gifts to resolving in-law issues to arranging date-nights and so on. However, more important than specific behaviours are the principles behind them – and it these principles which have been highlighted.
In short, Muslim men should strive to match the standards set by RasûlAllah ﷺ when he said:
“The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”[12]
Zainab bint Younus is a Canadian Muslimah who has been active in grassroots da’wah and writing about Islam and the Ummah for the last nine years. She was first published in al-Ameen Newspaper (Vancouver, Canada) at the age of 14, became a co-founder, editor, and writer for MuslimMatters.org at 16; and began writing regularly for SISTERS Magazine at the age of 19 until today. She also blogs regularly at The Salafi Feminist
O Companions (R) of the Prophet ﷺ!
Zainab bint Younus, Canada