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Marriage

10 Ways to be the Ideal Muslim Husband

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

images (3)Zainab bint Younus, Canada

MARITAL ADVICE LISTS are common to find in Muslim literature and lectures, yet the information is almost always targeted towards women. However, we all know that it takes two to tango – and so here is a list aimed at Muslim husbands in the hopes that they, too, will benefit and be able to improve their relationships.

1. Have taqwa and isân

Know that you are responsible for your end of the marriage, regardless of how the other party treats you. Fulfill your wife’s rights without demanding yours first, and know that you seek Allah’s Pleasure over anyone else’s. Do your job with excellence, and don’t make it conditional. Isân is not merely to worship in the ritual sense, but to conduct oneself in general with an awareness that Allah is Al-Raqîb (the Ever-Watchful), and to fulfill one’s duties in the best of manners.

Then he (Jibrîl) said, “Inform me about isân.” He (the Messenger of Allah) answered, “It is that you should serve Allah as though you could see Him, for though you cannot see Him yet (know that) He sees you.” (Muslim)

2. Respect her

Remember that Allah describes marriage as a bond of love and mercy – love ebbs and flows, but mercy and respect must always be there, even – especially – in times of conflict. Unfortunately, we tend to present respect as a quality that men need (“men need respect, women need affection”). The truth is, however, that one can love someone without respecting them… and this is very, very dangerous. To have mercy and respect one’s wife is to never assume that she exists merely as an extension of you or to serve your needs. To respect her is to honor her, to defend her from harm and others’ accusations, and to have husn al-ann of her.

In cases of disagreement, this respect translates as not forcing your own opinion upon her when there is Islamically acceptable room for differences of opinion.

It should go without saying, but unfortunately it bears repeating nonetheless – respecting your wife means never, ever, abusing her, physically or otherwise.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”  [Sûrat Al-Rûm, 30:21]

Even in times of conflict, Allah tells us to behave in the most respectful and gracious of manners:

And do not forget graciousness between you.  [Sûrat Al-Baqarah, 2:237]

Abû Mûsa Al-Ashʿari (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

I asked the Messenger of Allah: “Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure.”  [1]

3.  Be emotionally intelligent

Empathy, being attuned to the other person’s preferences, learning to understand their personality and responding appropriately without expecting to change them into something they’re not… supporting and respecting each other as both individuals and as a team. The Prophet ﷺ was an emotionally intelligent husband, who knew the differences in his wives’ personalities and interacted with them in a manner best suited to each woman. He comforted Ṣufiyyah when she wept; he had spirited discussions with ʿÂishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and he encouraged Ḥafṣah’s (May Allah be pleased with her) for knowledge.

In a famous narration known as the Hadith of Abu Zarʿ(May Allah be pleased with him) [2]  ʿAishah told the Prophet ﷺ the story of eleven women who sat together and described their husbands’ qualities and behaviours. The eleventh woman, Umm Zarʿ, described Abû Zarʿas a man who was extremely generous to his wife, showering her with gifts; who went out of his way to please her; who never rebuked her or verbally abused her; who made sure that she was comfortable and satisfied. To Umm Zarʿ, there was no greater husband than Abû Zarʿ- and the Prophet ﷺ himself told ʿÂishah, I am to you as Abû Zarʿwas to Umm Zarʿ, except that I will never divorce you.

4.  Be a True Qawwâm

Know that being a qawwâm is a matter of being a good leader – not authoritarian or a dictator, but someone who inspires love and respect, who treats others with dignity and respect… The popular book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a great resource for understanding what good leadership is. There are several excellent Islamic resources discussing leadership lessons from the life of the Prophet ﷺ.  [3]  [4]   Strive to embody the Sunnah in your character, not just in how many rakʿahs a day you pray.

ʿÂishah RA described the Prophet thus: “His character was the Quran.” [5] Be the type of husband that a wife describes in such a manner.

Remember that as a qawwâm, you are responsible and accountable for the well-being of your household and those under your care.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The amîr (ruler) who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household and he is responsible for his flock…”  [6]

5.  Be friends before you become spouses

That might sound odd (or not) – but we often put so much pressure on ourselves to fulfill a role (husband/wife), that we forget to get to know each other as friends first. Every marriage will go through ups and downs, intimately and otherwise… and you’ll be surprised to realize how much having a solid, sincere friendship can pull you through the hard times.

One example of RasûlAllah’s “friendship” with his wives is his relationship with Sawdah bint Zamʿah RA. She was the first woman whom he married after the death of Khadijah, and although she was considered to be elderly and not as beautiful as the other women whom he would later marry, their relationship was one of camaraderie, confidence, and laughter.  [7]

6.  Don’t be embarrassed or ignorant of female biology

Learn about it – from menstruation to female sexuality to pregnancy and everything else. You need to know this stuff – it will impact your life significantly, intimately and otherwise. Don’t laugh it off or act as though it’s not worth your time and attention. Women’s health is sorely misunderstood, and having a disinterested (or worse, disgusted) husband can make things even more difficult for women.

The Prophet ﷺ did not shy away from these matters, either as a husband or as a Messenger of Allah. Instead, he constantly enjoined men to be aware of and sensitive to their wives’ needs – just as he was with his wives.

Narrated Umm Salamah RA:

While I was laying with the Prophet ﷺ under a single woolen sheet, I got the menses. I slipped away and put on the clothes for menses. He said, “Have you got “nifâs” (menses)?” I replied, “Yes.” He then called me and made me lie with him under the same sheet.   [8]

7.  Be responsible

Being “a good Muslim husband” doesn’t just mean fulfilling the basic rights as a husband and leaving it at that. Being a good Muslim husband means that you are on the ball as a responsible adult – whether it’s paying the bills, taking out the trash, cleaning a mess in the house, or being an engaged father (not ‘babysitting’). Doing these things is not a “kindness to the wife,” or “helping out at home.” It’s not “extra credit” and deserving of lavish praise. It is part and parcel of being a grown man responsible for his surroundings, his family, and himself. Do these things out of mindfulness that Allah will never waste your efforts for His Sake.

Narrated Al-Aswad RA:

I asked ʿÂishah what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer.” (Bukhâri)

ʿÂishah RA reported:

I was asked, “What did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, do in his house?” I said, “The Prophet was a man among men. He would remove fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve himself.” (Musnad Ahmad 25662)

8.  Don’t pursue your nawâfil at the expense of your wife’s farâi

One issue that many men fall into is that in their zeal to engage more in ʿibâda, they end up burdening their wives even more – to the extent that she is barely able to pray her five alawât with khushûʿ. Both spouses should encourage and facilitate opportunities for each other to strengthen as Muslims, but mothers of young children especially need their husbands to step up so that they can have the necessary time they need to reconnect with Allah and flourish spiritually. (And no, that doesn’t just mean five minutes here and there.)

Ramadan is a time when this becomes more obvious than ever – for example, many men will go to alat Al-arâwî while leaving their wives to deal with the children, in addition to having cooked ifâr beforehand. On a daily basis, though, go out of your way to facilitate your wife’s ʿibâda and spiritual connection.

Narrated Abû Juḥaifah RA:

The Prophet ﷺ made a bond of brotherhood between Salmân Al-Fârisi RA and Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA. Salmân RA paid a visit to Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA and found Umm Al-Dardâ’ RA dressed in shabby clothes and asked her why she was in that state. She replied, “Your brother Abû Al-Dardâ’ R is not interested in (the luxuries of) this world.”

In the meantime Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA came and prepared a meal for Salmân RA. Salmân RA requested Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA to eat (with him), but Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA said, “I am fasting.” Salmân RA said, “I am not going to eat unless you eat.”

So, Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA ate (with Salmân). When it was night and (a part of the night had passed), Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA got up (to offer the night prayer), but Salmân RA told him to sleep and Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA slept.

After sometime Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA again got up but Salmân RA told him to sleep. When it was the last hours of the night, Salmân RA told him to get up then, and both of them offered the prayer.

Salmân RA told Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA, “Your Lord has a right on you, your soul has a right on you, and your family has a right on you; so you should give the rights of all those who has a right on you.”

Abû Al-Dardâ’ RA came to the Prophet ﷺ and narrated the whole story. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Salmân RA has spoken the truth.”   [9]

9.  Learn conflict resolution skills

One big reason that couples end up going to Shuyûkh for counseling is because they simply haven’t learned how to communicate and resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. It’s not even about one specific issue or another; it’s about learning how to deal with whatever issues arise, in the most respectful and appropriate manner possible.  [10]

The Quran and Sunnah urge positive reconciliation between believers, and especially between husbands and wives.

“And live with them honourably. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” [Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:19]

“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them – and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah – then indeed Allah is ever with what you do, Acquainted.” [Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:128]

10. Love your wife for who she is

Not because she’s the person who cooks for you or does your laundry. Not because she’s the mother of your child(ren). Not because you’ve settled into routine and you feel comfortable having her around and she knows how to work the coffee maker and where the family’s paperwork is filed. Love her for her. Her personality traits, her talents, her hobbies, the things about her that make her unique.

Notice them, appreciate them, compliment them. Let her know that you don’t just see her as wife or mother, but as an individual on her own. Know that long before she married you, indeed long before she was born to her own parents, she was created as a separate soul – a human being whose primary identity is as a slave of Allah.

And most importantly – let her know that you love her, with all the pride and openness that RasûlAllah ﷺ demonstrated when he was asked, “Who do you love most?” and he responded, simply and beautifully, “ʿÂishah.”   [11]

There are of course numerous other pieces of advice that can be dispensed on the topic – everything from giving gifts to resolving in-law issues to arranging date-nights and so on. However, more important than specific behaviours are the principles behind them – and it these principles which have been highlighted.

In short, Muslim men should strive to match the standards set by RasûlAllah ﷺ when he said:

“The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”   [12]

————————–

[1] http://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/18/2

[2] http://sunnah.com/bukhari/67/123

[3] http://muslimmatters.org/2014/10/28/lessons-in-leadership-from-the-prophet-muhammad-saw/ and http://muslimmatters.org/2014/11/04/21-lessons-in-leadership-from-the-prophet-part-2/

[4] https://theislamicworkplace.com/2006/11/15/the-leadership-process-of-muhammad-s-from-hadith/

[5] http://sunnah.com/urn/2203080

[6] http://sunnah.com/abudawud/20/1

[7] http://thesalafifeminist.blogspot.ca/2014/08/his-laughter-her-love.html

[8] http://sunnah.com/bukhari/6/5

[9] http://sahaba.net/salman-farisi-rights/

[10] https://aljumuah.com/cooling-the-fires-of-marriage-part-1-an-approach-to-conflict-resolution/

[11] http://sunnah.com/bukhari/64/384

[12] Narrated by Al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Mâjah, 1977; classed as saî by al-Albaani in Saî al-Tirmidhi

ZAINAB BINT YOUNUS

Zainab bint Younus is a Canadian Muslimah who has been active in grassroots da’wah and writing about Islam and the Ummah for the last nine years. She was first published in al-Ameen Newspaper (Vancouver, Canada) at the age of 14, became a co-founder, editor, and writer for MuslimMatters.org at 16; and began writing regularly for SISTERS Magazine at the age of 19 until today. She also blogs regularly at The Salafi Feminist
Categories
Current Affairs articles

2017: Problems with the world

2018

  1. Criticism – Nobody can accept it, I guess the truth hurts. We are living in absolute arrogant times where you cannot say anything to anyone. Nobody wants to know whether they are right or wrong, whether they offended someone or said something harsh or abusive. People just don’t want to know. I do feel it is worse in the West, we are more arrogant and narcissistic. From an Islamic point of view, the Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, “Arrogance is to deny the truth and think low of people.” (Saheeh Muslim) So if you are wrong and cannot accept it, you clearly have ego issues! Anybody can be criticised, whether they are a scholar or not. An Islamic organisation, madrasah, school or charity. Just because we donate to them for the sake of Allah, doesn’t stop us from criticising them when they do actions contrary to Islam. Good intentions don’t always count when you lack knowledge.
  2. Parents – Some think they know everything, especially when it comes to their kids. They don’t! And loving your child does NOT mean you give them everything they want. How can a five-year-old know what is good for him/her? Just like kids don’t like injections, but we still give it to them? As we know what is good for them (and what is not). If you spoil your children, it won’t even be the age of sixteen (probably before that) you will start to regret it. “Beware. every one of you is a shepherd and every one is answerable with regard to his flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects (as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shal be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Beware, every one of you is a guardian and every one of you shall be questioned with regard to his trust.” (Saheeh Muslim)
  3. Passive people – There is no doubt we live in an apathetic society. We see crime, oppression and injustice but we just turn a blind eye. I am not talking about Palestine and Syria, I am talking about the dhulm in your own backyard. Men are to blame first and foremost, because men are no longer men. We have a lot of “males” in society, very few (real) men. Then I blame religious folk, who say “Pray Salah, read Qur’an and do Dhikr… everything will be okay?!” On the day of Badr the Prophet ﷺ didn’t just pray Qur’an and do Dhikr! Be active, “evil spreads not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the SILENCE of good people.” We need to speak up, people are not afraid to speak lies, why should we be afraid to speak the truth? Let’s not be selfish and don’t apply the rule: each to their own. That’s not an Islamic rule. “The best of jihad is a just word spoken to an unjust ruler.” (Ibn Majah)
  4. Da’wah – Not enough people that do it, or do it properly. Then you have the other half who don’t do it at all… this really needs a separate article altogether. Let’s start with “practice what you preach.” Many people don’t even read the hadith/messages they paste on to Whatsapp/Facebook. Secondly, we have people who say if you are not perfect or your family is not perfect you can’t give da’wah. These are definitely words from a Satanic mouth, a true deception of Shaytan. None of us are perfect, so none of us should do da’wah? Exactly what Shaytan wants? Even the uncles of the Prophet ﷺ did not accept Islam, they were Kafir and died as Kafirs. Does this mean the Prophet ﷺ should not have given da’wah to the rest of the world? Think before you speak, people. We now come on to the “fast forwarders” as I call them. They forward anything and everything under the name of Da’wah. When did the Prophet ﷺ say forward fabricated messages? When did the Prophet ﷺ say don’t verify things before forwarding? When did the Prophet ﷺ say if someone asks you for a reference, be defensive and arrogant because your ego cannot accept you are wrong? You get my drift, no further comments. “Do not tell a lie against me for whoever tells a lie against me (intentionally) then he will surely enter the Hell-fire.” (Bukhari)
  5. Fake people – Crocodiles tears, fake smiles, empty messages, people meet you with two faces, nothing from the heart. Why? The Ummah has become all about numbers. Number of followers on social media, we attend lots of talks but not a single change in our life. Madrasahs and schools have become all about numbers, as long as the seats gets full and fees are paid (and we are in surpluses), we are happy. And people perform excessive Hajj and Umrah, but no substance, no spirituality, not an iota of change. We really need a reality check. We have hundreds in the Masjid, we give thousands in Zakah, we are millions in Hajj, but our hearts are not clean. We really are fake and pseudo Muslims. “He who is two-faced in this world will have two tongues of fire on the Day of Resurrection.” (Abu Dawud)
  6. Social Media – Some of you are on absoTOTALutely everything!!! Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat and Twitter and WhatsApp and Telegram, like seriously? That is sad. Definitely for people with no life. I honestly just about manage with WhatsApp messages (I hardly even check people’s statuses). Committing yourself to all of these is like a full-time job, not even a part time job. Then you end up upsetting people and offending people, let alone all the debates and arguments you have. Press pause. Stop. Take a breath. And seriously quit the ones you don’t need, the ones that are eating you up and eating your time up. Maybe the last sentence should say, “stick with one.” In previous times, people kept diaries, if someone read your diary you would be upset and offended. Nowadays, we have social media, if someone doesn’t like your post or retweet your comment you get offended! Strange times! A lot of us do sit on our phones all day, even at work. But some people don’t. Don’t call me judgemental, with WhatsApp you can see everything. Those who are always on their phones and those who check social media first thing in the morning. Is it really that important to you? And don’t say “emergency”. Emergencies don’t occur every day. Time is valuable, it is priceless. Imam Ibn ul Qayyim (rahimahullah) stated: ”Time wasting is more serious than death because time wasting cuts you off from Allah and the home of the afterlife, whereas death cuts you off from the worldly life and its people.’’ [Source: Al-Fawaaid…page 59]
  7. Don’t judge me – Shaytan’s latest plot in spreading evil and preventing good. We have an obligation to enjoin good and forbid evil. If you SEE someone doing bad, stop them. How is that judgemental? Judgemental is when you don’t have evidence. You don’t need to be afraid if you are polite and pleasant in your words. The bigger problem is we don’t have enough people speaking up and stopping evil, so the few that do it, it becomes harder. We have too many ‘yes men’, who bow down to the needs of the people. As Muslims we only bow to the One on the throne (may He be exalted). Here’s one I made earlier.
  8. Impatient & Thinking the worst of people. We are living in super fast times. We don’t just eat a lot of fast food, we want everything fast and quick. We want fast replies to our texts and calls, if we call someone and they don’t answer (maybe because they are busy/in salah/driving/in the toilet) we get offended or automatically assume they are ignoring us. Most of us have zero patience. Be a bit more considerate, some people are busier than others. You think I am wrong? Next time your YouTube video is buffering for a few seconds, look how angry and frustrated you get?! It takes a few seconds to wait for it. Half of us would just switch the video off because we don’t have the patience to wait. Read more here. Driving and patience is another one, especially in the Asian community. Asian drivers have the least patience and some have no common sense, but you can’t teach them common sense. So I end here.

Ismail ibn Nazir Satia (one who is in dire need of Allah’s forgiveness, mercy and pleasure)

12 Rabiul Thani 1439

HOW TO START A NEW YEAR: https://mylittlebreathingspace.wordpress.com/2015/02/25/the-new-year/

 

 

Categories
Muslim men Muslim women

Changing Perspective

Bismillah,

We often believe that being tested and going through problems in our life is due to our sins.Makkah Rihaal

Sayyidah Aminah (Allah have mercy on her) lost ‘Abdulllah (Allah have mercy on him) when she was just 18. Our master Muhammad, ﷺ the sinless and pure lost his father, mother and grandfather by 8. Hasan (Allah have mercy on him) and Husayn (Allah have mercy on him) lost Lady Fatima (Allah have mercy on her) when they were 7 and 8; Sayyiduna ‘Uthman (Allah have mercy on him) buried 2 of his wives. Sayyida Khadijah (Allah have mercy on him) lost 3 infant sons her in lifetime. Lady ‘A’isha (Allah have mercy on her) lived off dates and water because there was nothing in the house. Mus’ab ibn ‘Umayr (Allah have mercy on him) was disowned by his parents as a youth. Abu Hurayra (Allah have mercy on him) didn’t owe a single thing, would tie stones to his stomach, and couldn’t sleep at night due to severe hunger. Bilal (Allah have mercy on him) was beaten and abused because of his faith. Prophet Yusuf عليه السلام was wrongly accused by a woman and he was locked up. Prophet Musa عليه السلام was separated from his mother as a baby. Prophet Nuh’s عليه السلام son rejected him. Prophet Lut’s عليه السلام wife denied him. Prophet Ibrahim عليه السلام didn’t have kids until old age. Prophet Ayyub was tested with illness. 

Trust me, your test is just a living proof of how much Allah loves you.

madeenah
You’re not married and people think something is wrong with you. You’re raising a child alone and people totally overlook you. You’ve been divorced and people look down upon you. You’re over 25 and people think you’re too old. You’re a widow and no one ever thinks your good enough. 
Rabi’a al-Adawiyya (Allah have mercy on her) never married and she is considered one of the greatest saints of this Ummah. Lady Maryam (Allah have mercy on her) never got married and she is from the 4 greatest women Allah ever created. Sayyiduna ‘Isa عليه السلام ascended to heaven and he was unmarried, yet he is a Prophet.
Lady Hajar (Allah have mercy upon her) nurtured Prophet Isma’il عليه السلام in Makkah alone whilst it was a barren desert, due to the command of Allāh. Sayyidah Aminah (Allah be pleased with her) lost her husband before our master Muhammad ﷺ was born. The Prophet’s ﷺ wife, Lady Safiyyah (Allah be pleased with her) had been divorced and then widowed before he married her. Lady Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her) had 2 children from previous marriages and was 40 years old when he married her. Lady A’ishah (Allah be pleased with her) had no children. Lady Asiya (Allah be pleased with her) was married to the greatest tyrant, Fir’awn. Our communities looks down upon people and judge, yet it is strange that some of the greatest men and women Allāh ever created and made role models for us had come from such circumstances and situations. Never feel inferior or unimportant. Don’t listen to their opinions and meaningless words. Be content with the Decree of Allāh Azza wa Jallah. Raise your head and be proud.
Shaykh Muhammad Aslam,
Graduate of Fath al-Islami (Damascus) 
Founder of City of Knowledge & Prophet of Change, Isyllabus Tutor & International Speaker.

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