I was married to a man who everybody, including myself, believed to be a gentleman. From university classmates, to university teachers, family friends, acquaintances in religious gatherings and the workplace – they all viewed this man as having a soft nature. Nobody could ever imagine him raising his voice, let alone raising his hands. But you know, as they say, things aren’t always as they seem.
Shortly into our marriage, the smoke screen slowly started disappearing. Slowly, the silhouette of a new figure began to appear and I stood there confused, squinching and anxiously guessing at what would emerge from the other side. It was frightening but I often talked myself out of my fears and uncertainties. He was the prince in shining armour and I must’ve not been seeing right…my mind must’ve been lying. And thus began the muddled conversations in my head…
Am I just exaggerating? I do admit; it is my fault, for I am so delusional. How can I think of him that way? Yeah, I am a liar. I’m being negative, definitely.
I mean, sure, he almost crushed my neck, but it was my wrongdoing. I was being too hardheaded, not submissive enough. The insults against my parents? What? Come on now, that’s just overstating things. Mocking and calling names do not necessarily mean that one’s being insulting. I need to learn to smile more and take jokes. He called me stupid, dumb and said my intelligence was less than that of a 6-year old – so what? Lighten up.
No no, I wasn’t being put down; he was trying to compare me to other women so I can enhance myself and become a more pleasant spouse; what’s wrong with that? He’s not selfish or controlling. I shouldn’t feel devalued by him talking about other women, getting text messages from other women, hiding his phone, and intentionally talking to them right in front of me, whilst paying no attention to me outside or inside the home. I suppose other women, his video game addiction, gadgets and phone are all greater in value compared to me. I shouldn’t feel belittled and ignored though. After all, he says I am his wife and his only love.
I need to get a grip. I need to wake up and realise that I’m not seeing right. I must be paranoid to think that he makes me feel worthless by forcing me out of my comfort zone and enslaving me to his desires. I shouldn’t feel degraded to think that I am a sex machine…stick a coin and my body will adjust to yours, don’t worry about the pain, don’t worry about my tears, don’t worry about me begging you to stop. Just keep going as you desire until my skin tears and my blood flows heavier than my tears. But it’s okay, because to you, that is what my marriage contract implies, right? That you now legally own the mind, body, heart, soul of your wife – it’s sort of like a financial deal, except it’s a one way transaction, right?
But hang on, slow down, mind. Rape doesn’t exist in marriages; you’re married and have a duty to fulfill his desires. It’s okay if he raises his voice and hands at you, he’ll just prove he loves you by pinning you down and forcing himself on you. Then in the aftermath, you’ll lay there feeling violated and objectified.
There’s something I’m not doing right. I may have triggered him to almost crush my hands and have him kick me out at 11pm. But look at the bright side, he publicly ridiculed me, grabbed my hand, forced me to go back home with him and be silent about everything, because he wants me to stay with him. It is not a form of imprisonment and definitely not a reason to feel insecure or trapped. It’s good; he’s protecting our relationship from going downhill. He wants me to come back because he loves me and cares for me…right? My ribs almost crushed, but he immediately assured me into believing that “nothing happened” and to “stop making up and exaggerating things.”
Sounds of depression and suicide are playing in my mind. The next car on the road…I’ll try to walk in front of it. No, for real, I have to get back to my senses. He says he cares about me, loves me and that he’s nothing without me.