Categories
Marriage

WORLD WAR III: Mother-In-Law VS Daughter-In-Law

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

“I am not perfect. Let’s both assume that the other is doing the best she can.”

Mother-In-Law-HeartWeddings are usually such happy occasions, full of love and hope for the future of the bride and groom. As wonderful as it can be, it can also mean mother-in-law problems. Something happens the moment a bride says, “I accept him.” Not only does she get a husband, but in most cases, a mother-in-law as well.

But far too many women describe this relationship as fragile, tense, and even competitive.

It’s no secret that in-laws are the subject of many marital arguments. The rivalry between wives and their mothers-in-law is a major source of tension in many marriages. You may find it interesting that many new brides get along very well with their husband’s parents at first; it isn’t until later—sometimes years later—that friction develops.

Time-after-time, daughters-in-law say things like, “My husband’s parents welcomed me into their family immediately and treated me as their own daughter.” Likewise, “My own in-laws showered me with gifts and included me in everything”. It’s not uncommon for young women to be very fond of their husband’s family, and vice versa… in the beginning.

Later on down the marriage, dealing with in-laws can be an overwhelming challenge—whether you are dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who believes her opinions are superior to yours—or someone who tries to make you feel guilty whenever your needs conflict with hers. It may be tempting to gossip, hold silent grudges, or cut off all communication with troublesome in-laws – but that often just adds to the problem.

 

Mother-in-law problems can be one of the biggest issues in an engaged or married couple’s life. In some cases, they’re really more like out-laws. Some mother-in-laws have a way of letting everyone know their displeasure with the new family member over issues big and small – and yet seem to forget their own son or daughter can think or speak for themselves, and in most cases, should.

Why is it that the mother-in-law relationship can be so difficult? When you think about it, it really shouldn’t be. You have so many meaningful things in common: love for the same person, wanting what’s best for that person, and for them to be happy. For some though, it’s these same things that make for fast adversaries.

Some mother-in-law problems arise out of a competition for the attention of the adult child. Because they are now spending all of their time with their new spouse, there may not seem to be room enough for mum, which can be seen as not loving them as much anymore. When they visit mum, of course your spouse is going to take you with them – you’re now a package deal. Mother-in-law’s can be very resentful of having to share time and space with someone else.

Who would know what’s best for their kids better than a mother? As adults, however, we know what’s best for ourselves, not our mum. Some mothers, however, feel that they should reign supreme over our lives – even when we’re 45-years-old. It can be a hard habit for parents to break and some never feel compelled to stop parenting, even adult children. What makes that more difficult is that some of us don’t know how to let our mothers know that we are now adults who think for ourselves.

No one wants or needs their mother-in-law (or future one) telling them what’s best for their partner or worse, guilt-tripping them because of some imaginary slight or that they don’t measure up to her expectations. Big or small, whatever the issue may be, if she can’t refrain from commenting or speaking out inappropriately, it’s up to our spouse to talk to her. This can be difficult for our partners since for some it can seem unthinkable to speak out “against” their mother and be independent.

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Advice for mother-in-laws:

  1. Pray for your daughter in law, rather than prey on her. Hope and pray that the marriage of your son will be successful. Don’t sit in the background and hope for your daughter-in-law to fail. Ask Allah to show you how to love your daughter-in-law as your own daughter.
  2. Try to be understanding more than criticising. Ask questions to understand. Don’t tell your daughter-in-law how things should be. Don’t expect your son to do what you want him to do anymore. Expect and encourage him to consult with his wife. Rather than question or criticize your daughter-in-law, speak to her and reason with her.
  3. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never complain about her. Honour your daughter-in-law in the presence of your son. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never complain. Make an effort to applaud, praise, and thank your daughter-in-law. Tell her how much you appreciate her positive influence on your son and why you think she’s a good mother. Your daughter-in-law may be different from you. Accept her for who she is. Realise that your daughter-in-law wasn’t raised the same way you raised your son and maybe doesn’t have the same standards you have. Perhaps she is from a different family or caste or race…Try to understand her mind set and the way her family operated. Do not try to change her into who you would like her to be.
  4. Act like a family, fight like a family, not an enemy. Encourage your son to build, develop, and define his marriage role. Don’t fight for position by grasping and grabbing for your son’s time and emotions.  Good mums want their kids to have good marriages. If you are a family, act like one. Families fight, they discuss their issues and that’s how they get resolved. This can be done lovingly and constructively, not destructively! It doesn’t have to be a he said/she said/you said situation. Tiptoeing around the problems and acting like they don’t exist doesn’t help anyone, it only hurts everyone in the long run. Ask your daughter-in-law to let you know if/when you offend her. Remember that Shaytan wants to destroy your relationship.
  5. Your son isn’t perfect, not before marriage and certainly not after. Remember that your son has always had faults. Your child was not perfect before she married him. You love your son, so does your daughter-in-law. Every change that you see in your son is not her doing. Every change that you see in your son is not her doing.

 

A good mother-in-law doesn’t make the wife feel like she doesn’t measure up, or give the impression that she wishes her son would have made a ‘better’ choice.  A good mother-in-law encourages, accepts, and loves unconditionally. Allow your daughter-in-law to disagree and know that it isn’t something personal.  Don’t be offended if a daughter-in-law does not share your tastes, dreams, and values. Tell her about decisions you faced as a mother of infants, toddlers, teenagers, young adults, etc. Talk about more than superficial things. Get to know her for the person Allah created her to be. Then, come alongside her to mentor, encourage, and build a relationship so that if/when you need to give loving input or direction, it is not taken as meddling. Express your gratitude towards her: “You truly are the wind beneath my son’s sails and I really appreciate and love you. You understand my son far better than I do, and I thank Allah for you.” “I’ve got the best daughter-in-law God could give. I am so blessed.” Finally, offer to take care of the grandkids so your daughter-in-law can have a day to herself.

Okay, mothers-in-law, there’s the list. What are we going to do about it?

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The second year of my son’s marriage, he and his wife had Thanksgiving with us. My daughter-in-law made a delicious sweet potato casserole. My mother and I complemented her on it and asked for the recipe. “It’s a family recipe,” my daughter-in-law said. “So I don’t give it out.”   —Anonymous mother-in-law

Whoa! I had thought that daughters-in-law were the ones with the in-law stories. Well, apparently mothers-in-law have their share of stories, too.

One mother-in-law wrote something that brought back memories. “That little boy that brought me dandelions and messy hugs,” she said, “is now a grown man with a family of his own. I need to fully release him so he is allowed to change and adapt to his wife and adult life.  I don’t want to be a parent who says or does things that grate in the mind of my daughter-in-law. She is the one who knows my son best now.”

Yes, a mom relinquishes her title of “first lady” in her son’s life on his wedding day. Perhaps that’s why some have described the relationship between a mother- and daughter-in-law as fragile or tense. Allah certainly didn’t intend it to be that way.

Advice for daughter-in-laws:

  1. She is still his mother, she gave birth to him. Even though you are the woman in her son’s life now, be considerate of the fact that she used to be the woman in his life. The most important thing that you can do for your mother-in-law is to love her son unconditionally…You’ve now taken the spot as her son’s biggest
  2. Respect her for who she is, think of her as your own mother. Don’t try to change your mother -in-law. Accept her eccentricities. Realise that she may do things differently in her home, try to understand her ways. Especially, if you live with them. Bear in mind her age, think of your elderly parents.

 

  1. Do not assume things, rather ask and clarify. If I have offended you, I may not know this. You have the freedom to say to me, nicely, ‘Remember when you said ______. Did you mean _____?’ I am not perfect. Let’s both assume that the other is doing the best she can. Don’t judge, there are two sides to any story.
  2. Remember, you are family and not foes! Ring your mother-in-law off your phone not your son’s phone. Take her out, just the two of you. Go shopping! Discover what you have in common. Keep your in-laws informed of their grandchildren, don’t deprive them.
  3. Express gratitude, not a bad attitude! Post on your Facebook page: ‘I am thankful for my mother-in-law! I am so grateful for our great relationship. It is so important! And ever since I got married our relationship has become so natural and I love spending time with her!’ Please take time to express your appreciation for a gift by writing a note or calling just to say, ‘Thanks!’ If she or any of your in-laws visit you welcome them in with a smile, prepare something special for them. Show your happiness, don’t block yourself from them.

Some mothers- and daughters-in-law form close friendships very quickly. For others, this may take years. But most mothers- and daughters-in-law do want to connect with each other. They want to find common ground. They want to know each other as individual women with feelings, beliefs, and ideas. Do not fight your mother-in-law over your husband and same to the mother-in-law over your son. If the daughter-in-law cooks something or buys something for her husband, please do not compete with her for praises.

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Categories
Personalities

Shaykh Muhammad al-Mukhtar al-Shinqitee (Hafidhahullah)

An extremely beautiful clip from one of the most amazing scholars and worshippers of our time, Sheikh Muhammad Mukhtar Ash-Shinqiti (Hafidhahullah), from the holy city of Madinah. A translated extract from his lecture “Al Hayaat At-Tayyibah” (“The Goodly Life”), in which he discusses the realities of the life of this temporary world and man’s relationship with it, and most importantly his relationship with his Creator.

Translation: The Goodly Life

Transcript

“The Goodly Life”
Sheikh Muhammad Mukhtar Ash-Shinqiti

Life, is either for a person, or against him
It’s hours and seconds, days and years pass him by
Leading him (by his actions) to the Love and Good Pleasure of Allah
until he is amongst the people of Ultimate Success and the Gardens of Paradise
or they are against him, leading him (by his actions) to the Fires of Hell
and to the Anger of the One, the Just Ruler [Allah]

Life, either it will make you laugh & rejoice for an hour
over which you will cry for an eternity (in the Hereafter)
or it will make you cry for an hour
over which you will laugh & rejoice for an eternity (in the Hereafter)

Life, is either a great blessing for a person,
or an adverse affliction against him

This is a life which was lived by the earliest generations
by our fathers and forefathers
and by all those who preceded us
All of them, returned to Allah with what they used to do [their deeds]

“Life” refers to every single moment that is lived within it
and every hour spent within it
And within all of these, we live a life that is either for us or against us

Thus, the successful and happy person
is the one who sees life, and recognises it’s reality and true nature
For by Allah, it is a life that frequently causes some people to weep, their tears never drying
and frequently makes others laugh, their laughs and joys then never to return

My beloved, Allah has made this life as a trial, a test,
an exam, in which is made apparent the true nature of His slaves
Thus happy is the one who is made successful (in this exam) by the Mercy of Allah
while miserable & banished (from salvation) is the one upon whom the Pleasure of Allah becomes forbidden (through this exam)

(Know) for every hour that you live, either Allah is pleased with you in this hour (by your deeds)
or the opposite, we seek refuge in Allah from that
Therefore (by this hour) either you come closer to Allah
or you stray further from Him

Thus it may be, that you live a single moment of love and obedience to Allah (by your actions)
by which are forgiven the inequities of your life
and a lifetime of sins
And it may be that you live a single moment in which you deviate purposely from the Path of Allah
distancing yourself from His obedience
which then becomes a cause of misery & distress, for the rest of your life
We ask Allah for His Safety and Pardoning

In this life there exist two seperate ‘callers’
The first, is anything that calls to the Mercy, the Good Pleasure and the Love of Allah (be they thoughts or actions)
The second type of caller, is anything which invites to the opposite of that
(Such as) a desire or lust that incites one to evil
or a sudden sinful whim that may result in an evil ending (dying in bad or sinful circumstances)

Thus it may be, that a person within a moment of his life, weeps;
a weeping of regret and repentance over his negligence towards his Lord;
and by (these tears) Allah changes his evil deeds into good deeds (on his record)

But how many a people continue to commit sins?
how many a people still indulge in evil?
how many a people continue to distance themselves (from Allah),
frequently travelling away from their Lord (by their actions)?
Thus all of them are distant from the Mercy of Allah
unbeknownst to them, strangers to the Good Pleasure of Allah

Then comes upon them that hour, that exact moment (of penitence),
which is what we are referring to, by “the goodly life”,
in order that they shed tears of regret and remorse,
and that a reason for anguish in the heart may be ignited,

Such that the person realises how long his alienation from Allah has been
and how long his absence from his Lord truly has been
so that he may then say, “Indeed I am turning to my Lord repentant, remorseful,
and in hope of His Mercy and Good Pleasure!”

This time (of penitence) is a person’s key to happiness and contentment,
the time of regret.
It is as the scholars say,
“Indeed man sins a great deal,
but if he is truly sincere in his regret and repentance,
Allah will change his sins into good deeds”
Thus his life too then becomes pure and goodly,
by the purity and truthfulness of that regret and repentance
and by the sincerity in the very distress and pain felt within himself

We ask Allah the Greatest, Lord of the Honourable Throne,
to give life to this blessed caller to His Mercy, within our hearts
and to the pain we should feel when we are neglectful towards Allah and His Commands

My beloved, every single one of us needs to ask themselves a question,
we need to ask ourselves day and night,
How many nights are spent awake in activity?
and how many hours are passed (in this way)?
How many have laughed in this life?
And (most importantly) was Allah Pleased with this laughter?

How much of this time was spent in entertainment and enjoyment in this life?
Was this enjoyment one that Allah was Pleased with?
How many nights were spent awake (in activity)?
Was this staying awake (and what you did in those nights), pleasing to Allah?

And so on and so forth,
(These are) questions that he should be asking within himself
But a person might wonder why he should be asking these questions (i.e. what’s the point)?

Yes! You must ask yourselves these questions
as passes not the instant of a blinking of an eye,
nor a fleeting moment in your life,
except that you are living in and experiencing the Blessings of Allah!

Thus it is from great respect and humility towards Allah
that a person remains constantly aware of the greatness of the Blessings bestowed upon him

From this humility is to truly feel and acknowledge that the food we eat,
belongs to and is provided by Allah

And that we quench our thirst with a drink created by Allah
And that we are shaded and sheltered by a roof provided by Him
And that we walk forth upon a ground provided by Him
And that without doubt we are living in and experiencing His every Bounty and Mercy
So what could we possibly have to offer Him in return?

(So it’s important) a person asks himself these questions.

(For example) doctors say that there exists a substance in a person’s heart,
that if it were to increase or decrease by 1%
he would die instantly…
So (think) in which courtesy and kindness,
which mercy and compassion from Allah does mankind enjoy, experience and live in!

(Even if) a person asks himself about the Mercy of Allah alone,
When he wakes up in the morning,
possessing his hearing
possessing his sight
possessing his physical strength,
who is the one safeguarding his hearing?
Who is the One safeguarding his sight?
Who is the One safeguarding his intellect?
Who is the One safeguarding his very soul?

He must ask himself, who is the One protecting all of these things?
Who is the One who Bestowed him with good health and wellbeing?

(Think of) those who are sick, lying on white beds (in hospital)
those who are sighing and in pain (from illness),
By Allah, through these great blessings Allah conveys His Love for us,
The great blessings of good health, wellbeing, security and safety
All of these are provided purely so that we may live a goodly life

Allah, praised & exalted is He, desires two things from His slave:
The first is that he carry out his obligatory duties (e.g. prayer)
and the second, is the abandonment of all Allah has forbidden and held him back from

As for the one who claims that closeness to Allah
entails a life of suffering or limitations
Then such a person without doubt has erred greatly in how he perceives Allah

For, by Allah, if you do not purify and make good your life by closeness to your Lord,
you will never be able to do so by way of anything else

And if you do not purify and adorn your life by carrying out your obligatory duties to Him,
and abandoning all that He has forbidden,
Then by Allah, you will never be able to so by way of anything else

A person may experience every single pleasure life has to offer
but by Allah, he will never experience anything more pleasurable,
more beautiful than servitude to Allah
by carrying out his obligations to Him
and leaving all that He has forbid him from

(In life) you are subjected to two choices,
whenever you are faced with a matter,
you have the choice to either do it or not do it

If you decide to go forth and do anything in this life,
ask yourself, “Has Allah permitted you to do this thing, or not?”

Since the human being himself is owned by Allah
the hearts are all owned by Allah
and the souls are all owned by Allah

Thus a person should,
whenever he wants to do something or hold back from it,
ask himself, will Allah be pleased with you (by this action)?
If so, then let him proceed
Or, will Allah not be pleased by this action?
If not then he should hold himself back.

For, by Allah, a person does not proceed with an action nor hold back from it,
requesting Allah’s Mercy (and counsel in the decision),
except that he pleases his Lord in the process

Therefore true happiness and a goodly life are only to be found in closeness to Allah

Closeness to who?
To the King of Kings
the Controller of the Heavens & the Earth
To whom belongs the Ultimate Command, all creation
and the perfect arrangement and measure of all that exists

Thus you may find that man is always
in a state of anxiety and weariness
You may find an individual who has everything he desires
But by Allah, you will find most of those who have all they desire
suffer from mental or psychological problems,
from anxiety and depression,
most of them are extremely unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives

Go and look for the wealthiest person
and you’ll most likely find him to be from
the most miserable people in life

And has made the sweetness and savour of life to be found,
in being close to Him

And has placed the key to a pleasurable, amiable life,
in a pleasurable, amiable relationship with Him

(If we look at just) one prayer that a person performs
from the 5 obligatory daily prayers;
at the moment of completing his bowing and prostrating
and completing his servitude to his Lord,
then at leaving the place of prayer,
he feels a great sense of ease and peace within himself!

By Allah, even if he were to spend all the wealth on the earth
(in attempt to buy this feeling)
He would be unable to seek a way to it.

Thus the goodly life is found only in closeness to Allah
A pleasant, comfortable life will only be found by a closeness to Allah
If a person does not purify and make good his life
through this close relationship,
then by who (or what) will he….?