Dr. Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, USA
As religious clerics, we are constantly involved in divorce issues in our communities. This topic needs to be talked about all the time – the fact that it has become taboo and is never mentioned actually compounds the problems of divorce. Most people never even think about the possibility of divorce and are totally unprepared if they are found in a situation where divorce is the better option. Sadly, the vast majority of divorces that occur don’t even follow proper Islamic protocol (of engaging in the correct steps before the divorce, and then if the step is indeed taken, to divorce in the proper manner). I wanted to highlight one especially important matter. Divorce really shows the true character of a person. Understandably, emotions are raw, pain is incalculable, and a person typically feels a sense of betrayal and intense grief. There is always a long list of grievances that each party will have (although one party typically will have a longer list): some legitimate, some exaggerated, some trivial, and some that are just pure misunderstandings. In such an emotional state, how you react and what you do will speak volumes of the real ‘you’. Will you become vindictive? Does that pain that you feel blind you to the pain you now have the power to unnecessarily cause? Will you work hard to go out of your way to be mean and nasty so that you feel better about yourself in getting some petty revenge? Or will you realize that despite all that has happened, there was a point in your life where the two of you shared a very, very special bond that makes you two different from any other two people on earth? Perhaps there are children involved: so in this case you will permanently share yet another miracle of life together. And hence, with that unique closeness and bond, you will instead control your pain and work to minimize the pain in the other partner as well. Allah references this special feeling and bond when He chastises men for daring to think of taking the mahr money, وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَىٰ بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا “And how could you dare take it, after the two of you were drawn to each other (in intimacy), and she [trusted you] by taking a firm commitment from you” [Nisa: 21]. Allah questions how any man can be so evil as to take away the rights of a woman he was intimate with, and a woman who trusted him by giving herself over to him because he made a commitment to her – a firm, strong, binding commitment taken in the name of Allah – that he would treat her with dignity. The verse is addressed to men because, firstly, they have certain privileges and responsibilities over women, and secondly, because it is easier and more common for the man to be more abusive than the woman (again, this is generic, and of course each gender can be abusive). A divorce is not evil. Sometimes two people just don’t get along, and that’s fine. Understandably, divorces typically don’t occur in an environment of love and compassion. But that doesn’t mean they have to be devoid of compassion and mercy either. Be fair, be just, be compassionate, be generous, and expect Allah to reward you. Allah reminds men (again, men, because of the two reasons above) {فَإِذَا بَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِكُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ فَارِقُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ} “Once the waiting period is over, then either keep your wife in kindness and equitable terms or let her go in kindness and equitable terms” [Ṭalaq: 2]. The word مَعْرُوفٍ means that which is considered honourable and dignified; that which is accepted as being good in your culture. Sometimes, a divorce is indeed the better option. Please brothers especially, but yes also sisters, if divorce is the option you feel is best, do it, but do it properly, and show yourself, and your family and friends, and most importantly show Allah, who you really are.
During such a difficult time, be compassionate and merciful even as you are forced by circumstance to end a contract that was supposed to be a building you a life of compassion and mercy.
A good husband or wife is a good person: just because the marriage contract ends, your humanity shouldn’t.
1 Rabiul Awwal 1442
