argue – My Little Breathing Space – I write for the few, not the many. The few that are left out!

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

ANY DUA TO AVOID DISPUTES WITH MY HUSBAND?

Question:

Assalamualaikum

Is there good easy Duaa/wazeefa to prevent fights? And ease of mind of my husband as well as to move forward from repeated thoughts?

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

You have referred to three issues,

a. Dua to prevent fights

b. Ease of mind

c. Move forward from repeated thoughts

Fights are the consequence of one not expressing restraint and controlling one’s anger. In order, to prevent fights one should learn how to exercise restraint and control one’s anger. Dua alone is not sufficient to control one’s anger. If there is a raging fire, one needs to put off the fire. One cannot sit back and simply make dua without the aid of water or fire extinguisher. In fact, when there is fear of fire, arrangement is made for a water hose or fire extinguisher within one’s reach. Likewise, one needs to equip oneself with the necessary skills to overcome and combat anger. This requires spiritual and internal training by oneself or through a spiritual guide.

A Sahabi requested Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam for advice. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said, لَا تَغْضَبْ . He repeated this advice three times. If one does not exercise restraint and control ones anger, he will be forced to tolerate more than the discomfort of anger later. We advise you to inculcate skills of containing your anger. This would be achieved by a spiritual guide.

Also make dua to Allah for tolerance.

رَبَّنَا أَفْرِغْ عَلَيْنَا صَبْرًا وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ

Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people.” [2:250]

The following marriage recipe of 10 points will be useful.

1. Fear Allah:

It was the noble practice of Nabi (SAW) to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Qur’an. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.

2. Never be angry at the same time:

Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (SAW) and sought some advice.

Rasulullah (SAW) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkat pg.433; HM Saeed)

3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other:

Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)

4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire:

Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said:” and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey”. (Surah Luqman v19)

5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly:

Rasulullah (SAW) said, ‘A Mu’ min is a mirror for a Mu’min.’ (Abu Dawood vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.

6. Never bring up mistakes of the past:

Nabi (SAW) said: “Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyamah.” (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)

7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:

Nabi (SAW) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. “Verily there is a right of your wife over you.” (Nasai Hadith2391)

8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled:

Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)

9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner:

Nabi [sallallahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)

10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness:

Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, ‘All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.’ (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Huzaifah Deedat

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

To Debate or not to Debate?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

argue

Narrated by Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) : The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “The most hated person in the sight of Allah is the most quarrelsome person.” (Bukhari)

There’s an amazing Hadith found in Musnad Ahmad, Tabarani, Ibn Majah, Tirmidhi and others… It says, “No people have gone astray after having been upon guidance, except that they were given argumentation.”

ما ضل قوم بعد هدى كانوا عليه إلا أوتوا الجدل

If you’ve been around Muslim life long enough, you can sense when a time-wasting black-hole is developing. It’s very tempting to go in swinging. Most youth do simply out of lack of experience. But for those who’ve been around the block, what is the point of experience, if you simply keep falling for the allure of the black hole.

Whenever an issue comes up, our stance is that we just state the position—insist on it no matter what—and move on. One of the signs of misguided groups is that they’re always arguing. In contrast, the path our Ulama have put us upon — Allah guard them and protect them — is one in which we’re really just too busy for nonsense. We have Quran to review, and still more to memorize. We have to brush up on our Arabic regularly. Fiqh needs to be delved into. Sound Aqidah needs to be taught. Hours of dhikr need to be logged. And on top of that, there is charity to be given, youth-work to be done, Janazahs to attend. Before all of that we have families to take care of. And then suddenly, it’s Ramadhan and all of that goes on hold and we put our souls through the car-wash.

Through Masajid, retreats, trips abroad, etc, life as a Muslim makes you meet so many different types of people, that it broadens your experience and polishes your Akhlaq. People are always changing. One year they’re into something knee deep and another year, they’ve balanced out. One becomes more forgiving, calm and over-looking. With every year that passes, and every drama that comes around, reaches its high point and then and rolls away like a receding wave, you come to realize what really matters in life and in deen. And that causes a person to side-step jidaal, argumentation. State your point—you may have to state it often—then move on and leave off arguing.

Imam Malik (Allah have mercy on him) was approached by a man who asked him for a debate. Malik said, “What happens if I win?” The man said I will follow you. Imam Malik (Allah have mercy on him) said, “And if you win?” The man said, then you follow me. Then Imam Malik (Allah have mercy nn him) said, “What if a third person comes and defeats both of us?” The man said, then we both follow him. Malik concluded: “Constantly changing your beliefs is not a sign of steadfastness. I know what I am upon and I have no doubt. You however, are upon doubt. So leave me alone and go debate someone else filled with doubt.”

(Tartib al-Madarik)

One of his students said, “Shall I not try to argue with them to prove to them the truth?” Imam Malik (Allah have mercy on him) replied, “Just state the position and leave it at that. If he wants to follow it, he will.”

(Tartib al-Madarik)

It was narrated that Hudhaifah (Allah be pleased with him) said: “I heard the Messenger of Allah(ﷺ) say:‘Do not acquire knowledge in order to show off before the scholars, or to argue with the foolish, or to attract people’s attention, for whoever does that will be in Hell.'” (Ibn Majah as weak)

Those who will last the test of time are those who have something to offer. Something objective, meaty, beneficial, balanced and diverse.

Allah make us from those people, both as students and transmitters.

And Allah keep us away from argumentation, the sign of misguided people and groups.

Ameen.

Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah(ﷺ): “Do not argue with your brother, do not joke with him, and do not make a promise, only to not fulfill it.” (Tirmidhi as weak)

Dr Shady Elmasray (Hafidhahullah)